Again

Okay I truly hate that my posts are still about DB as I think it is unhealthy and reminds me that too much focus and energy goes to him. However so much has happened that I have to get it out of my head.

So a few weeks ago DB called to say he had been arrested for domestic violence. So he bailed himself out, called his friends and somehow got into a new place that night. For the next few days he was a mess, calling and crying, apologizing for all that he did to me and the boys. Just constant drama. Well of course I was worried about the boys and how this would affect them. Apparently they had grown to hate her so they were excited to have their dad back. Which is whole other issue to me as they will go through it again with him and women.

He has eluded to wanting to get back together which has been annoying, insulting, confusing, gratifying and many other things. I have so many emotions around it and have been so uncomfortable I can't even tell you.

As the drama seemed to slow down after our last court date I finally began the grieving process of my marriage ending. It was good, painful, but needed. I am late in this process as having to fight for my kids and defend myself constantly took all my energy. I was so blinded by my hate and pain that I couldn't even remember a time when I loved him. So finally I began to grieve. Well I haven't even gotten through that yet and here it comes, his games, his desire for good old reliable me to come fix it.

I have felt so much including a small part of me entertaining trying to work it out. Of course this thought repulsed me and made my self loathing rage. I was so confused, how I could even for a second consider that. And finally it occurred to me I am a mother, a mother that stayed in a marriage that was unhappy for the kids, a mother that sacrifices everything (too much) for her kids. This is what many mothers do. I made a choice four years ago that I would stay in that marriage for my kids. I am now making a choice that I will stay as far away from that man as possible for me and for my kids. I will continue to grieve, probably continue to adjust to letting go and continue to choose me.

Courage.

These Addicts

Oh my, so DB and I have been getting along lately. My take on it is I need to be nice for the boys, it is easier and I also go back to what I learned in nursing school: people don't sue people they like! Haha now that is funny. Remember I have been to court 3 times in a matter of 4 months.

So lalala we are getting along. Except he just keeps trying to get deeper and deeper in there. He is reaching out more, he talks about his psychiatrist, his meds, his girlfriend, his physical problems. Now you have to understand he is good, he talks fast with very little connection between sentences so it is possible for him to rattle all of this off and before I know it I am in. Ugh, I hate it. I so don't want to spend my free time talking with him. Well this goes on for a few weeks and then I finally had enough. I kept trying to figure out a way to appease him while getting him away from me however I was not successful.

I finally just confronted him. I told him I couldn't handle the burden of his life any longer, that he was not my husband. I told him I never expected him to be there for me and that I have a life that he knows nothing about because I do not share with him as he is not my husband. He was so pissed, he hung up on me. He was rude and short when we had to talk about the boys. I told him I was sorry for hurting his feelings but that we needed boundaries and this was mine.

You know I am finally realizing that I have to pay a price when it comes to him no matter what so I might as well be true to me first. It won't get better, he won't get better. He has done so much damage and truly attempted to destroy me why not just let go of the what ifs, let go of treating him like a fragile piece of rare (insert whatever) let's make sure we don't wake the beast. You know that isn't my life anymore I choose to get out of that. I woke up one day and decided I was done. Now I get to live my life, I don't walk around uncomfortable for anyone, I don't make life pretty for anyone. I am real and my life is honest and raw just the way I like it.

On a side note I am applying for a masters program in my field. Wow, I am nuts. Here is the deal, I want an advanced degree, I love my field, I love business, I will be able to combine the two, I will earn double what I am earning now, I have to support my children and cannot count on DB, my life is not going to get easier and the number one reason is I want this. I can do it, I have proven over and over again that I can do anything.

Courage

Interesting Turn of Events

I last blogged that I am depressed. I made an appointment to see my doc for next week. However something interesting is happening inside of me which is making me question if this is depression or just part of the process.

I have intelectually accepted that all of the drama and anger over the last year and half has stopped me from grieving, I have articulated that, I have asked if there is something I need to do to facilitate the grief or will it have to happen organically, I have checked in with myself often to see if it has begun and nothing. Until now that it is.

It began with missing DB, I began to miss our family time, I began to miss the life we had together, the laughter, the team aspect. Suddenly I began to accept that he confirmed for me or that little girl in me that love is pain and men are not be trusted. I began to see the devastation of finding out that the man I was married to was in fact living a different life. The hurt that came when my family was ripped apart, that while I no longer believed in him I did believe in our family. I was willing to do anything to keep my family together, to keep us happy and yes I was clearly willing to sacrifice my happiness.

The dust is settling and I now get to mourn.

He is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication, he is in the process of being diagnosed. I told him I was happy for him, I hope he finds peace. And I mean that however too much has happened and he has truly tried with everything he has to destroy me, to take my babies from me, to ruin my professional life. I cannot trust him and he says understands that however now he sneaks away from his new family to tell me things he misses about me, about us, about our life together. It is annoying as it will be an innocent conversation about the boys and he will just slip it in. I ignore it and he continues until I acknowledge what he has said with something flippant. I can't have that. I won't.

I told him he has done too much, he said he knew that. He said he lost his way.

He can never take back what all has happened and neither can I. I can begin this grieving process with open arms and trust myself enough to get through, which I have and I do. I can begin the process of healing and forgiving myself only through feeling this and digging deep for my truths. Honestly there is a small part of me (small but growing) that admires the strength and resolve of that woman who stayed, who loved her family enough to not give up. If I knew who he really was I would have ran so fast but I didn't, so I held on to what I believed in and I dug in for my children, for my family.

Case Dismissed Again

I finally heard from my lawyer that DB's motion to reduce his child support was dismissed.

I am grateful for that.

I did finally notice today that I am depressed. I mean not really living, everything is a horrible effort and so dark kind of depressed.

I have been totally beating myself up for a good while about my non living which is just making it worse. Finally today it dawned on me that I am depressed.

I hate depression, but I do love me and I love the resources I have and I love that I do not have to suffer and I love that I am now aware and can do something about it. And I will do something about it. I don't like to take meds but I know I need to because this is the I am paralyzed kind of depression.

So a new chapter begins.

Angry

Well here I am, it is late and I should be sleeping.

I am just fucking angry at DB.

I am tired of the games, tired of the financial burden, tired of court, tired of being nice, tired of being silent when I can't be nice. I am tired and pissed.

Seriously, he is just such a burden to me.

You know he actually had the audacity to tell me he missed some things about me, that he had learned from me and that Mrs DB did not behave in the same manner as me when it came to these certain things. He said he needed to whisper because well you know she may hear. Seriously, I don't even speak to this man unless I am forced to. How he snuck that load in I have no idea.

Then he texted me asking for a favor. I ignored it.

Tomorrow is court. This is the third time since June 15th.

I need to sleep but I am pissed. Maybe a little Chelsea Lately will make me giggle.

Back To Court

Yep, can you believe it? Of course you can because DB is nuts and if you are following my blog you know nuts.

He wants to modify the amount of child support he is NOT paying. We go back to court on Thursday and I will have recieved 3/4 of a payment by then.

He wants it cut in half. I hope to hell that the judge just throws it out without hearing the motion.

Alone?

I felt incredibly alone yesterday. I woke this morning feeling alone. I journaled this morning the old school way with pen to paper. I sat in silence, I felt my feelings, I sat in silence, I listened. I journaled more. I cried and cried.

I had an interesting thought. Not a new one but interesting. I have always been of the belief that being in an unhealthy relationship is far more lonely. However, I questioned if I had more fear, less security now that I am single and raising my babies alone. I saw DB with a shovel throwing dirt behind him, he was relaxed and did not appear to be exerting himself.

He was digging us deeper and deeper into the mess we were creating and he was fine.

This is why I do not fear more today. This is why I am more secure.