Interesting Turn of Events

I last blogged that I am depressed. I made an appointment to see my doc for next week. However something interesting is happening inside of me which is making me question if this is depression or just part of the process.

I have intelectually accepted that all of the drama and anger over the last year and half has stopped me from grieving, I have articulated that, I have asked if there is something I need to do to facilitate the grief or will it have to happen organically, I have checked in with myself often to see if it has begun and nothing. Until now that it is.

It began with missing DB, I began to miss our family time, I began to miss the life we had together, the laughter, the team aspect. Suddenly I began to accept that he confirmed for me or that little girl in me that love is pain and men are not be trusted. I began to see the devastation of finding out that the man I was married to was in fact living a different life. The hurt that came when my family was ripped apart, that while I no longer believed in him I did believe in our family. I was willing to do anything to keep my family together, to keep us happy and yes I was clearly willing to sacrifice my happiness.

The dust is settling and I now get to mourn.

He is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication, he is in the process of being diagnosed. I told him I was happy for him, I hope he finds peace. And I mean that however too much has happened and he has truly tried with everything he has to destroy me, to take my babies from me, to ruin my professional life. I cannot trust him and he says understands that however now he sneaks away from his new family to tell me things he misses about me, about us, about our life together. It is annoying as it will be an innocent conversation about the boys and he will just slip it in. I ignore it and he continues until I acknowledge what he has said with something flippant. I can't have that. I won't.

I told him he has done too much, he said he knew that. He said he lost his way.

He can never take back what all has happened and neither can I. I can begin this grieving process with open arms and trust myself enough to get through, which I have and I do. I can begin the process of healing and forgiving myself only through feeling this and digging deep for my truths. Honestly there is a small part of me (small but growing) that admires the strength and resolve of that woman who stayed, who loved her family enough to not give up. If I knew who he really was I would have ran so fast but I didn't, so I held on to what I believed in and I dug in for my children, for my family.