Clarity

My thoughts bounce all over. I struggle with what is right, what is healthy and what is easier. I sit here in awe that my life, my children's life has come down to this. This fight, a fight that may be necessary and may not be. I don't know anymore. I know it wasn't supposed to be like this. I know that I shouldn't have to wonder if my children are better off with or without their father. I know that now there are two more people in the mix of this that are going to complicate things. I hate that I have to trust a professional to watch out for me and my babies. I hate that money is driving much of this fight, his fight.

I hate that my husband shows me on a consistent basis that who he chooses to be is not who I want to father my children. A bit late for that isn't it. So what do I do, how do I go on from here. I take each day as it comes and I often think in each situation with him that there is no going back from here. Well here we are again yet another defining moment that alters every second of my tomorrow of my babies tomorrow. He is gone, the man I married is gone rarely even a small glimpse can be seen. Does he know how close he is to losing it all, does he care?

He truly appears to not care. I know he does not care about me and that is fine. I can accept that at this point. Honestly it is refreshing to not have to tolerate his over compensating when it comes to his feelings about me.

However here is my dilemma, I care. I care about many things. I put my children first, I will sacrifice to do the right thing. So what do I do, do I take the advice given? How do I make a decision like this? How do I feel okay either way? I have no idea where he is headed, what impact he will have. I should probably assume he will only get worse. Will he hurt them, will he hurt them just to hurt me. Just two weeks ago he said he would drive away with them. I keep operating like this man is the man I married and he is not.

Seriously what do I do...