Alive

I am beginning to feel alive. I had two days were I actually felt joy. I am beginning to feel comfortable in my body. I seriously thought today that I wish the happiness would go now as I just know it can't last long and I am so afraid of feeling the pain.

My visit to notheren California played a huge role in this peace. I was actually free of the drama, I stepped so far away from the pain. I finally saw how awful this all is. How hurt I truly am. How deeply I hurt for myself and for my babies. How amazing it is that we are making this work. That my boys are so strong and so kind and loving. That perfect strangers can teach and love and truly make a difference. That this life is harsh and ugly and so tough to navigate through. That I am strong, so strong. I am strong enough to get me through this and more importantly I will get my boys through this.

He was never strong. Never.