Resentment

I am so resentful. Truly not much that I do not resent at this moment. I resent being clean, how I would love to drown in a bottle of something. I won't. I will stay here with my anger raw and powerful. I will stay here and feel my vulnerability. I will stay here in this self pity that is fucking suffocating me. I will stay here in this hate. I will stay in this truth, the knowledge that I have to protect myself from him and from me.

See that is my dilemma; after all of these years of recovery, of working on myself to the point of fucking nausea I am still fucked up. So if I am still fucked up would it matter if I was able to have a little escape, a fucking reprieve. I don't know the answer and I am comfortable questioning it all without taking action. I will continue to sit here in my life, I will continue to try to feel and accept and somehow be gracious. I will continue to have truth no matter the cost. I will continue to grow. And maybe I will find some peace somewhere.