To myself, still lying to myself. How could I still be here, still running from truth. I am so fearful of living, of digging in, of feeling.
I feel so broken so mentally ill. The worst has happened, I have ran, I have choose lies over truth, security over living, hate over love yet I am still afraid.
Am I so ill that I will never truly accept that I am the one that does the most damage. That I have nothing to fear any longer. I am slowly killing myself, shitting all over my future, my dreams, my desire. I have already killed my passion, my hope.
But here is the fucked up thing. Will I always be like this; miserable, emotionally stunted, dark, destructive, hopeless. Or will I experience freedom, freedom from me.
Can I get better, can I do it on my own. How can I be so strong with the external yet so weak with the visceral.
I don't have answers, I don't know how I will get through this. I don't know if things will get better, they have been bad for quite some time.
I am tired, I can't give up and I won't. Fuck I want to.
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
2 months ago
Hang in there Courage Required.
ReplyDeleteIt is in the time of resignation, surrender, be with of the darkness - that will shed light....Keep being with it all - you have everything you need to handle all. And you already won - you are here, awake, speaking out loud - getting the poison out of your head.
There are a lot of people here to carry you thru........
Sending you much love and will.
Bless
C
Just found your blog. It DOES get better. I've been where you are and I promise if you are willing to be honest with yourself you can reach something better and richer than you have ever had.
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