Decisions

I filled out paperwork for my lawyer that has been on my table for a couple of months now.

I am just at a loss regarding employment as working 3-4 12 hour shifts is really hard with my boys.

I am also still having problems with DB as he is immature and makes poor decisions when it comes to the boys.

I could try to find a M-F job that would allow me more time with the boys. I am interested in mental health and that would be an option as there is a facility close by with those hours.

The hospital I am at now has an OR position open.

But here is my hangup I love what I am doing, I love the hospital, our patient population, management, my coworkers and what I was beginning to dislike has been taken care of. However it is robbing me. I work hard and I am not taking care of myself. The work one day then have the boys then work again then have them again is not working for any of us. I have considered grouping my days together but that gives them far too much time with DB.

I just go round and round and mind f it all to death.

So here is what I have been doing lately with it. Going to god, giving it to god and really trying to listen, then going again, giving it again and listening harder. I haven't allowed god in my life for so long that this is akward so I am aware the answer may be right in front of me yet I still don't know what to do. I go again to god and say man I just suck at not running the show can you help me out here? Be clear, be loud, can you be in my face god? I rest.

I am not really great at this stuff and I am finding it so hard to bounce back, the pain, the stress all of it is getting to me. I am so sick of change yet I know more is coming and I know it is needed. I just wish I could let go, I just wish I could let up on myself. This sucks and I don't like it however I will not give up. :)