Dreams

I had odd dreams last night. I can't remember them as vividly as I did this morning however I do remember one.

Dream: DB had an affair and was leaving me to be with her. I was much like I am now relieved to be done, grateful that god did for me what I did not have the courage to do for myself. And then time fast forwards and I am looking through his phone and at that moment I knew he had changed.

We go for a long walk with the whole family including his family and I tell him I want to get through this together. I want to look back and know that we went through horribly tough times but we didn't quit and we made it. We hugged and kissed and it felt like we were getting married all over again. It was truly a celebration and we were excited. I knew in the dream it was the right thing to be doing.

So much of this dream is just odd. First of all the man that was DB was not him, he did not feel like him, he looked like him only softer, I could feel his spirit, his character and it was not him. Secondly, I cannot stand his family. Truly his mother is so void of any redeeming quality it is repulsive. He is so her child.

Then there is the feelings I had when I woke. At first I was startled and nervous. I then realized I was alone and my boys were with DB at his GF house. So I was relieved and okay. Then I had this hope, this peace, this joy. I didn't spend much time thinking about it as I had a busy day ahead of me. I drank coffee and made a list of goals and dreams. I then got busy online working on classes for work.

Tonight I got all the holiday decorations out and put up the tree so I could surprise the boys tomorrow. I was concerned I would feel sad however I did not. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding old step work that DB had done when he was a member of a 12 step group. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding confirmation again of who I know DB really is. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with reading admission after admission regarding his SA. My lack of sadness also had nothing to do with finding out that the GF is not someone he met in church like he told me but is in fact someone he has had a history with. I wasn't totally sure where my lack of sadness was coming from and I was not to motivated to dive into a whole over thinking session.

However I was just about to go to bed and I wondered if I would have odd dreams again. And then it hit me that my lack of sadness, my joy, my peace came from knowing that I truly tried my best with DB in fact I worked my ass off to save our marriage. Had DB been that man in my dream the ending would have been much different. He is not and that is okay in fact it is good.