My laptop died so I have been MIA. I have an archaic desktop in the basement which means if I am on it then my kiddos are also close by. Not a therapeutic environment for blogging.
So much of the same has transpired since I last checked in. Blah Blah Blah. I could go on and on with DB's transgressions and cruelty but you all know without me even going into it.
My divorce is going to trial in June. Doesn't look like we can come to any type of agreement on so many levels so that is that.
My children are suffering and no longer want to be around their dad.
I am looking for a M-F day job so they will not have to be with DB 3 evenings a week.
I found a therapist for the boys and I am excited about that. Still looking for me.
I am finding my way slowly through all of this.
DB's last tyred left me incredibly sad and even more confused as to how and why someone would treat a woman they once loved and the mother of their children the way he does me however I cannot spend time there. It is pointless, I will most likely never understand him or what happened to him.
I am still just kind of hanging out having to put up with some of his insanity because of the kids and learning how to cut off the rest.
I feel wounded and vulnerable and I know I am exactly where I need to be. I have begun finding some acceptance in the day to day stuff realizing that this is not something I get to race through. Not something to be endured either. I have had many lessons and will continue to learn and find my way. This is not ending any time soon so I better just dig in and learn. I am still reeling and feel like my whole life continues to have aftershocks often. I am no longer ashamed at how hard this is and how fucking impacted I am. I do not love DB nor do I want him back and I knew the second I really found out that I was done. However waking up to find that it is all a lie and then to be reminded that the man you married, loved, had children with is gone and may have never existed in the first place is just horrifying.
He is truly without a soul, his cruelty, vindictiveness, his lack of morals, his disregard for the boys makes me question everything. Everything.
Yep, I so need therapy. :)
I really am okay though, I just know that I get a bit deeper with each lesson and I am working hard on me. Working hard on being the best me I can be.
I have missed you all and can't wait to get a second to catch up on things.
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
2 months ago
Oh sweet courage. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. He doesn't sound like he is worthy of you at all, and I'd bet that even something so basic, like hearing 'he doesn't deserve you' is probably hurtful to you too. Because you had put faith in him, and thought that he was worthy.
ReplyDeleteI get you on questioning what was real, and what never was. I did this a lot-- and still do, sometimes. Lately, I've been coming to an uneasy resting place on it-- like-- Ok, so my jackass lied the whole time, all the time- BUT, it was real for me. And that's what I'm grieving too.
Therapy would be awesome-- I hope you find a good therapist.
I'm glad to hear that you aren't ashamed of how hard this is. That's a really good step in the right direction.
((HUGS)) to you and good luck on the job search.
I'm here if you ever need to vent!