Pink Dress with Polka Dots

So much has changed however nothing has changed.

I am still on this ridiculous ride and I still hate it. I am however better at it. Not great, but better.

The boys and I have moved to a wonderful new place that we love.

My trial is in 11 days.

The boys are amazing and kind and growing.

My little one tells me daily that he is going to buy me a pink dress with polka dots that I can twirl around in.

DB is going to try to get full custody.

DB still doesn't pay child support nor does he pay his half of our debt.

I have moments of being stuck in the middle of the divorce and not letting go.

I have moments of paralyzing fear.

I have moments of faith and joy.

I have moments where I can actually feel that pink polka dot dress twirling around me.

TRIGGER ALERT!

I met someone. He is nice and has his own issues. I will say that before I met DB and even at the beginning of our relationship sex was something that I loved. I had some issues but I was working out much of it.

Then DB and his SA began to rule my life. I hated sex, I hated my sexuality. I lost all of my self confidence and truly internalized his SA. I doubted myself, I blamed myself. All of which are my problem not DB's.

So I met this man, we will call him W.

Going into it there was a lot of honesty and time taken to weigh out everything.

After searching my heart and my... well whatever I decided I was going to have a friends with benefits relationship with W.

Okay it lasted a couple months and just recently ended however the lessons have not.

So let me begin...

I am not DB nor do I have his issues, nor did I cause those issues.

I still love sex and I trusted my intuition in this situation and I stayed true to myself.

I did get caught up and I did begin to use him as a diversion hence the ending.

I let a man take care of me, see me, know me and it was amazing.

I was vulnerable. And I got sidetracked a bit and I got hurt a bit and I even cried.

I am okay and I did not hide any of this from him or myself.

W and I are fine. Friends still, with a more intimate understanding of each other. I miss him however it does not feel right so I refrain as does he.

Truly a freeing experience. I am not sure that I need to do it again and I am so not ready to date. I am scared to be alone and I still feel broken when it comes to relationships. I just have never been in a relationship that brings out the best in me. They usually turn me into someone I can't stand. Yes I realize codependency may be at play.

I have so much work to do and I am ready to do it. I have had my oldest in therapy for months now however I finally have an appointment set up for myself.

I am terrified of this court date and can only imagine what DB is going to do.

He hasn't made it more than 2 days in the last 10 without really playing games.

I think he may be scared as well.

I pray for him. I visualize god in his life helping him feel whole. I pray for him.

And then I log on to look at my bank account and before I even know what has happened I have the voodoo doll held tightly in my hand and it has a strong resemblance to DB even with all those pins sticking out of it. :)

Truly I am angry however I am praying and working so hard on forgiveness. It is a process for me.

I have missed you all and I am so glad I am reconnected so I can catch up.