Final?

I am divorced! We had a full out ugly trial as DB refused to settle. It did not go well for him. I didn't get what I wanted totally however I did get what was fair and reasonable and as I expected better for me then the settlement we proposed.

I had a strange feeling that day, it didn't feel final. It felt like the calm before the storm.

And it was.

DB got the kids the next afternoon and raced my oldest son to the ER over an accidental scratch and I am talking surface, three days old, never even bled scratch. He then opened up child abuse allegations against me at the hospital. Which of course went no where as it was ridiculous.

He then took my son to three different police departments until the last agreed to hot line me again. Which went again nowhere.

He wouldn't let me have them back, he kept them from daycare and stopped answering my calls. For 16 hours I had no idea where my children were. It was horrifying.

Horrifying!

Things have settled a bit since then. He fired his lawyer when his lawyer strongly encouraged him to not do any of that insanity.

He totally lost it and he now pretends it didn't even happen. Crazy stuff.

He was in contempt. We are just waiting for his next move and then we will take him back to court.

I am hoping he gets help and stops this nonsense.

I met with a therapist last week and really liked her. I will see her weekly. I am so ready and afraid to focus on me.

Unfortunately for me I have to let the boys stay with DB for the entire month. It is hard although he is back to playing nice however he is unable to maintain it for long and ends up acting crazier.

I feel for him, I really do. I can't imagine what it is like inside that head. I am scared for him, well, for all of us really. I truly hope he finds his way.

One of my top goals is figuring out how to deal with him in a way that is healthy for me and in a way that keeps me under the radar. When he hurts me it hurts my kids. I just hope I can get his focus off of me without compromising myself. My therapists thinks we will be able to figure that out.

I have some clarity right now, I am seeing some connections that I haven't seen before. It is like the fog in my head cleared once I had the judges ruling on my side. I see so much of how I ended up here. It hurts and I have some serious healing to do. I am willing to accept some of these connections, some of these faults or defects in a way I have never been able to before.

I feel like working on letting him go while finding a way to deal with his crazy will allow me to also have time and energy to work on me. I do believe I can do these at the same time. And I must as he is not going away and god knows he can take up so much time and energy if I allow it.

So hopefully this is a new chapter for me. For my boys. And for DB. I pray he heals, I pray he finds his way.

But mostly I pray for myself and my amazing boys.