Joy

My children stayed with the SAH last night. I slept in and got my hair done. I went to the store and realized that I was feeling joy and it must be evident as I was getting alot of attention. I used to get attention all the time when I was thin however I thought those days were over. I realized today that it is more to do with my attitude than my weight.

The joy I felt was such a relief. I am working hard on checking my motives, not running, keeping track of my feelings by acknowledging them and attempting to feel them. I am sticking to my boundaries with SAH. We have not spoken about anything other than the kids. I have had a few nice thoughts of him and for him lately, coupled with anger and hate. I am okay with that. I am just really trying to be in this moment. To breathe. To accept me. To love me. To be kind to me.

Self Discovery

I am trying to step back and just figure out how to find truth. I am attempting kindness especially towards myself.

My mom is dying and I truly hope for her sake she can go fast.

I have hate in my heart for my SAH. Eww I even hate calling him my husband.

I am sure I will visit grief again soon.

Truly I am trying to respect my own boundaries. I am not talking to him unless it is related to the kids and that is only via text.

I am scared as I think he wants to stop giving me money for the bills. Part of me wants to run to the lawyer and the other part just wants to slow down as I am always running always slamming the door and moving on to what is next. I can't keep doing that if I want to heal. Truth be told I have nothing to be afraid here. Our bills are our bills and there is no way around it.

So here I am with nothing but drama but at least none of it is self induced.

Grief

Full of grief today.

I went to see the healer (my therapist) and she observed that I was in the grief stage of all of this sex addiction crap. I know it sounds more like anger...

I am grieving so much of this marriage. Grieving the woman I was, the woman who fell in love with him, the woman I turned my back on in order to stay in a marriage that was devastating to me. I am grieving my husband, the man he was, the man I thought he was becoming. I am grieving every single time I have to interact with him as I witness the voluntary self destruction, the self loathing, the narcissism, the emptiness, the coldness, the vacancy.

Sex addiction seems to me to be far more powerful than any other addiction as it truly enables the addict to separate from reality. I witnessed this beast take pieces of my husband each and every day. And each and every day I witnessed my husband welcoming it, inviting it, embracing it.

Yes I agree I am grieving.

My First Love

My first love is dead. Just found out today. He was my fantasy for a good part of my adult life. I actually just let that fantasy go in the last 6 months. But I still love him and am so grateful to him.

He knew I was down a few months back and he took a ride on his motorcycle and recorded it for me so I could feel like I was taking a ride in Thailand.

I love him and am so incredibly sad he is gone.

Today

Today I was so sad. So frustrated, so heartbroken, so angry.

I went to see my therapist and was given many powerful suggerstions that I am so willing to do.

My SAH and I fought all day. I truly hate him today.

My children and I instituted a family meeting where we talk about our feelings.

Interesting enough my baby (almost 3) said in a very flat voice he does not miss his dad nor does he mind that he left our house.

My 5 year old is sad and wants a nintendo. :)

I shared with them that I was sad today and why.

I will now journal (in ink) about my feelings. YUCK!

I Am Not Comfortable

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I mean I feel like I could just jump out of myself. Well I wish I could. I am constantly looking to tomorrow to be comfortable, to believe, to hope, to be happy, to be kind and true to myself. Tomorrow comes and I am still uncomfortable.

Hiding

I am in hiding. I am so detached I am not clear what I am hiding from.

I am hiding from him.

The him I married

The him he became

The him he is trying to be

I am hiding

Hiding from me

The Me I AM

The me I once was

The Me I Am

The me I want to be

Oh let us repeat that

I am hiding from the me I want to be

I am scared of her

I am scared of who I was

I am scared of who I am

Deep down I bury myself in this misery

I use it like a blanket that I have loved

A blanket that has kept me warm for many years

It needs washing

It has holes

It isn't soft

I use it daily

I use it to hide

I can't name much that I am NOT hiding from