My First Love

My first love is dead. Just found out today. He was my fantasy for a good part of my adult life. I actually just let that fantasy go in the last 6 months. But I still love him and am so grateful to him.

He knew I was down a few months back and he took a ride on his motorcycle and recorded it for me so I could feel like I was taking a ride in Thailand.

I love him and am so incredibly sad he is gone.

Today

Today I was so sad. So frustrated, so heartbroken, so angry.

I went to see my therapist and was given many powerful suggerstions that I am so willing to do.

My SAH and I fought all day. I truly hate him today.

My children and I instituted a family meeting where we talk about our feelings.

Interesting enough my baby (almost 3) said in a very flat voice he does not miss his dad nor does he mind that he left our house.

My 5 year old is sad and wants a nintendo. :)

I shared with them that I was sad today and why.

I will now journal (in ink) about my feelings. YUCK!

I Am Not Comfortable

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I mean I feel like I could just jump out of myself. Well I wish I could. I am constantly looking to tomorrow to be comfortable, to believe, to hope, to be happy, to be kind and true to myself. Tomorrow comes and I am still uncomfortable.

Hiding

I am in hiding. I am so detached I am not clear what I am hiding from.

I am hiding from him.

The him I married

The him he became

The him he is trying to be

I am hiding

Hiding from me

The Me I AM

The me I once was

The Me I Am

The me I want to be

Oh let us repeat that

I am hiding from the me I want to be

I am scared of her

I am scared of who I was

I am scared of who I am

Deep down I bury myself in this misery

I use it like a blanket that I have loved

A blanket that has kept me warm for many years

It needs washing

It has holes

It isn't soft

I use it daily

I use it to hide

I can't name much that I am NOT hiding from

No Control

I think what messes with me the most is my complete and total lack of control. My SAH is nuts, my children are completly impacted and I can't do anything about any of it.

Here I am. I am trying to mind my business. I am trying to let go, stay away from what he is doing or not doing. It is hard however I can no longer take part in this drama. This is his choice not mine so I am removing myself entirely.

He keeps saying stuff to engage me in conversation regarding our relationship or his addiction, I respond enough to not be rude. I don't want to talk about it.

There is nothing to talk about. He won't get help, I am done! There is no us until there is a whole him and a whole me and we got a long ways to go. He won't even begin to heal and I am dabbling in it at this point. I am trying however I seem to waiver and fall back on my maladaptive skills. They are so easy to use. I have another appointment with the therapist this weekend at least that is healthy.

Well at this point I only expect to continue to battle myself, to go back and forth between healthy and self destructive so whatever here I am.

Courage Required

I am not one of those women that enjoy self help books, taking about all my issues, romance, or even feelings for that matter. I am strong in many ways however I am a coward when it comes to feeling. I lived most of my life running from adversity. I was not taught how to deal or cope with life, I was taught how to avoid it. This was not a choice for me in my younger years. My family was incredibly fucked up, addicted, avoidance junkies, and neglectful. I however left early and continued on the same path in many ways. I used drugs, sex and geographical changes to alter my reality.

Clearly I still struggle with some of these core issues that I have always relied on to survive.

I can no longer continue on this path, it is far to painful. I fear it will end me, I fear I will pass this shit all on to my babies.

I am unwilling to continue on this path. I will do self help, I will talk about my issues, I am in therapy and I will learn to feel with out self destructing.

My husband who I will from now on refer to as SAH (sex addict husband) is unwilling to get help. He does not want to stop. He won't stop for himself and finds no motivation in his love for his children. I can no longer allow him to impact me and my life. I can no longer blame him for my misery.

This is my journey.

Easter Sunday

The night before easter my boys were up all night so around 8am I asked my husband to get up so I could get some sleep. He did.

I woke a couple hours later to an empty house. I got online to check some e-mails and for some reason I decided to snoop, to check the history. I clicked on a obvious adult matchmaking website that my husband had been on and discovered 32 e-mails my husband had sent from 8-9am to various women asking for no strings attached sex. He had a picture of himself from the chin down on his profile along with his cell phone number. His profile said he was seperated and that he did not care about looks he just wanted some fun.

I lost my mind that day. I found myself that day.

I called the only people that I truly valued and got a plan together. I called a battered womens shelter to complete my plan. I found a lawyer. It was Sunday and a few hours later my husband and my children arrived home. I pretended for the next 3 days that I didn't know a thing.

That evening my husband suggested we get a family potrait done. He expressed his love for me and talked about a family vacation. He got on the internet.

I had to work the next day so off I went to pretend some more.

That evening was much a the same. He sees us as a happy family and he got on the internet. Meanwhile I collected evidence and secured the evidence. I gathered my children's records and all of my important papers. I hid a bag of clothes for all of us. And I waited and listened to more of his lies, more of his sickness.

I was so disgusted by him. I began sleeping in my clothes, I couldn't stand the thought of touching him.

I finally went to the lawyer and he suggested I wait to confront him. He wanted me to collect more evidence. I couldn't do it. I was scared as the man I loved was clearly living 2 lives, I didn't know what he would do. I thought he may hurt us which is why I was prepared for that.

When I confronted him I told him I had proof, I told him the lawyer had copies of all of it including all of our important documents. I told him I was done.

He blamed me, blamed the children, blamed the lack of sex, blamed the debt, blamed me quitting my job and going to school. He blamed everything outside of himself. He had no accountability.

I thought before that moment that I couldn't be more disgusted. I was wrong. I was so repulsed by this man. I did not even recognize him. I felt like I was choking. Choking on all of the lies I had told myself over the past few years. The lies that I needed to believe in order to stay in this marriage. This marriage that was empty, this marriage that made my days of being single seem so full no not lonely. I choked on the fact that I was now married to man I did not know. That my life was one big fucking lie. Choking on the fear of what would happen to my babies. Choking on the thought of having to see them, of having to pretend some more.