Doctor

I went to the doctor yesterday. He was incredibly compassionate and even amusing.

I told him what my life has been like the last 6 months. I think I would have been fine if DB didn't get laid off. I was having moments of true joy. Now I am in hell.

The DR was kind he laughed, he made me laugh, he asked me if I know that mostly life sucked and that we get brief moments of bliss. He said I could not enjoy the bliss. That there was little bliss in my life but that I couldn't enjoy it if it was there.

He spoke of some research he is reading. He explained some things to me about neurotransmitters and why sociopaths do what they do, he then explained it in terms of SA and addiction in general. He also drew in interesting picture of personality disorders and why people with all of these issue love to hook up. How they are actually feeding off of each other in a chemical way. How ones neurotransmitter not firing actually can make a partners fire in all the sick ways she wants it to. It was interesting. It was sad.

I really liked him, he was down to earth and truly validated this deep, dark fucking hole I am stuck in. I felt relief. I felt a tiny amount of hope for me.

Some temporary hope came when I thought of somehow getting this information to DB and then realizing at the pivotal moment that this was about me. I need help, I need to care for me.

He has his own path that is no longer anywhere near mine.

I felt relief.