Maybe It Is Me

I spent the morning with my soon to be ex as our son had a surgery. My baby got through everything great.

However I figured out last night that my husband is seeing someone and again he is bringing the boys around her. She has three kids and they have been seeing each other for a month.

It is serious he says, it is not dating, it is a relationship he says. After a month.

You can imagine my response. I was honest, I was cruel. I made sure he knew that I was being honest and that my cruelty was my truth.

I explained that all that he has done gets him exactly this.

He said I was the mother he had always hoped for for his children. I told him I wished I felt that way about him.

I do not. Many of my days are spent doing damage control or making up for where he falls short.

I do feel all of that however tonight I began looking back. I am beginning to wonder if I am angry and bitter for all the wrong reasons. Sure he did tons of damage, sure he lacks most things that are needed to be a decent human being.

But here is the deal. I stayed. I did not even question my love for him. Well, my lack of love. I knew that how I felt about him was not how I wanted to feel for my husband. I choose to focus on school and the kids. I did everything in my power to stay away from him. It is interesting that I did not magically get better the second he left. Maybe that is because I am at the center of all the anger, all the bitterness.

I told him today that he never contributed to making me a more healthy person. That he made my life worse. His got substantially better the second we got serious. I told him that I was damaged and lost faith in humanity because of him.

Wow. I am not so sure about that. Yes, he is disgusting and no he is not a decent man. He is broken and lacks most characteristics that I would want for the father of my babies. However, I am the one that put up with all that shit. I choose to ignore who he was so I could have security. I choose to compromise my values so we could keep our family together. I am the one who sits here today taking no action to better my life, holding onto lies and he is gone.

Maybe it is time for me to take a deeper look at me.