Waking Up

I decided yesterday after a long day at work that I would not pick up an extra shift. I have been working so many extra days just to try to pay all the bills since DB is not contributing.

I couldn't do it today. The thought of going in there made me sick. Not because I don't like my job as I love it. It was simply because I needed a day for me.

The boys are with DB.

I slept until a bit after 9am. I had amazing dreams. My first awareness this morning was this overwhelming feeling of hope and gratitude.

The weather here is amazing and will continue the whole weekend. I decided yesterday that I would not work today and that I would spend the entire day on the couch even though I love the outdoors and would normally do anything I could to be outside. I have been so tired from all the work and of course the long drawn out death of my favorite patient.

However, I decided before my feet even hit the floor this morning that I would go to the lake for a long walk.

I made coffee and prayed a bit. I asked for guidance regarding my divorce and the time DB spends with the children. I let go.

I sobbed this morning not because I am sad but because I am feeling hope and excitement. I am letting go and it is giving me so much freedom. I feel this huge amount of faith in a higher power that I have not allowed in my life for years. I actually prayed daily this week and I can honestly say I haven't done that in years. I am humble and I feel the universe in my life. I feel this strange dichotomy between the reality of the last six months and this abundance of faith, hope and truth. I do feel the hurt and I still feel wounded however it just is not defining me at this moment.

No, I would not wish this experience on anyone. I need all the tools I can get my hands on to deal with DB. I am sure anyone who is involved with an SA says or feels like if it were just the sex it would be so much easier. The sex is nothing compared to the craziness. However it is my turn now and I truly believe that the more my focus is on me and my growth the more tools I will have available. He will not go away, we have children together and while that thought in the past practically made me suicidal or homicidal I now know that I am growing and that I am doing this. This is not a life sentence attached to him.

This experience is making me a better person and I am grateful.