Case Dismissed

Obviously my last little session in court went well... for me.

Honestly it was a dramatic day. I was mortified and humiliated that I had to go. Once there I was mortified and humiliated for human kind and for participating in the human experience.

I am not into judge shows and jerry springer makes me feel anxious and hostile the second it is on. With that said, the only comparison I can make is a cross between judge judy and jerry springer.

I was in the front row and quickly figured out by the podiums, microphones and standing room only for petitioners and respondents that nothing would be private.

I must admit I was more concerned over what I would hear rather what others would hear about me.

My first moment of fear that day came when a married couple stood in front of the judge arguing about what they considered idle threats of killing each other and their children. One apparently had a recording of the other.

My next fear filled moment occurred when I laid eyes upon a developmentally delayed mother who was trying to get a restraining order against her husband as she believes he has figured out a way to continue to abuse their daughter during supervised visitation.

Then of course a soldier sat next to me who was just beside himself with emotion. He would talk to me without really expecting me to say anything however his closed remarks became more and more disturbing. He escalated so far that I finally made him tell me if he had a therapist and made him point out the people he was with whom were escorting him back to treatment.

Next, much to my happiness we were all relocated to the row behind as a prisoner was being escorted in the court room shackles and all.

Then my shining moment. At this point DB has had two opportunities to drop this ridiculous order. And he has not done so.

DB did not bring his lawyer. That would be the same lawyer who told him to not do any of this beginning with the ER visit.

I brought mine.

DB plead his case. He sounded pathetic.

My lawyer pounded him. I did not say a word the entire trial.

My, it was amusing. My lawyer just totally annihilated him.

And to top it all off for me, the judge laughed at him.

Case Dismissed!

More Fucking Drama

So I am off to court again. I was served on Thursday. Apparently DB attempted to get an order of protection so I could not go near my oldest son. This all stems back to his ridiculus abuse allegations. Now I have to go speak to the judge.

I think he must have forgotten that he filed this and that we were going back to court. You see, this was supposed to be his second weekend in a row with the boys yet he offered for me to have them the entire weekend. And yes we have had a great weekend.

Fucking moron. Someday this drama will stop and I am sure I will feel akward will all of the free time and peace I have.

:) Seriously you have got to laugh!

Final?

I am divorced! We had a full out ugly trial as DB refused to settle. It did not go well for him. I didn't get what I wanted totally however I did get what was fair and reasonable and as I expected better for me then the settlement we proposed.

I had a strange feeling that day, it didn't feel final. It felt like the calm before the storm.

And it was.

DB got the kids the next afternoon and raced my oldest son to the ER over an accidental scratch and I am talking surface, three days old, never even bled scratch. He then opened up child abuse allegations against me at the hospital. Which of course went no where as it was ridiculous.

He then took my son to three different police departments until the last agreed to hot line me again. Which went again nowhere.

He wouldn't let me have them back, he kept them from daycare and stopped answering my calls. For 16 hours I had no idea where my children were. It was horrifying.

Horrifying!

Things have settled a bit since then. He fired his lawyer when his lawyer strongly encouraged him to not do any of that insanity.

He totally lost it and he now pretends it didn't even happen. Crazy stuff.

He was in contempt. We are just waiting for his next move and then we will take him back to court.

I am hoping he gets help and stops this nonsense.

I met with a therapist last week and really liked her. I will see her weekly. I am so ready and afraid to focus on me.

Unfortunately for me I have to let the boys stay with DB for the entire month. It is hard although he is back to playing nice however he is unable to maintain it for long and ends up acting crazier.

I feel for him, I really do. I can't imagine what it is like inside that head. I am scared for him, well, for all of us really. I truly hope he finds his way.

One of my top goals is figuring out how to deal with him in a way that is healthy for me and in a way that keeps me under the radar. When he hurts me it hurts my kids. I just hope I can get his focus off of me without compromising myself. My therapists thinks we will be able to figure that out.

I have some clarity right now, I am seeing some connections that I haven't seen before. It is like the fog in my head cleared once I had the judges ruling on my side. I see so much of how I ended up here. It hurts and I have some serious healing to do. I am willing to accept some of these connections, some of these faults or defects in a way I have never been able to before.

I feel like working on letting him go while finding a way to deal with his crazy will allow me to also have time and energy to work on me. I do believe I can do these at the same time. And I must as he is not going away and god knows he can take up so much time and energy if I allow it.

So hopefully this is a new chapter for me. For my boys. And for DB. I pray he heals, I pray he finds his way.

But mostly I pray for myself and my amazing boys.

Pink Dress with Polka Dots

So much has changed however nothing has changed.

I am still on this ridiculous ride and I still hate it. I am however better at it. Not great, but better.

The boys and I have moved to a wonderful new place that we love.

My trial is in 11 days.

The boys are amazing and kind and growing.

My little one tells me daily that he is going to buy me a pink dress with polka dots that I can twirl around in.

DB is going to try to get full custody.

DB still doesn't pay child support nor does he pay his half of our debt.

I have moments of being stuck in the middle of the divorce and not letting go.

I have moments of paralyzing fear.

I have moments of faith and joy.

I have moments where I can actually feel that pink polka dot dress twirling around me.

TRIGGER ALERT!

I met someone. He is nice and has his own issues. I will say that before I met DB and even at the beginning of our relationship sex was something that I loved. I had some issues but I was working out much of it.

Then DB and his SA began to rule my life. I hated sex, I hated my sexuality. I lost all of my self confidence and truly internalized his SA. I doubted myself, I blamed myself. All of which are my problem not DB's.

So I met this man, we will call him W.

Going into it there was a lot of honesty and time taken to weigh out everything.

After searching my heart and my... well whatever I decided I was going to have a friends with benefits relationship with W.

Okay it lasted a couple months and just recently ended however the lessons have not.

So let me begin...

I am not DB nor do I have his issues, nor did I cause those issues.

I still love sex and I trusted my intuition in this situation and I stayed true to myself.

I did get caught up and I did begin to use him as a diversion hence the ending.

I let a man take care of me, see me, know me and it was amazing.

I was vulnerable. And I got sidetracked a bit and I got hurt a bit and I even cried.

I am okay and I did not hide any of this from him or myself.

W and I are fine. Friends still, with a more intimate understanding of each other. I miss him however it does not feel right so I refrain as does he.

Truly a freeing experience. I am not sure that I need to do it again and I am so not ready to date. I am scared to be alone and I still feel broken when it comes to relationships. I just have never been in a relationship that brings out the best in me. They usually turn me into someone I can't stand. Yes I realize codependency may be at play.

I have so much work to do and I am ready to do it. I have had my oldest in therapy for months now however I finally have an appointment set up for myself.

I am terrified of this court date and can only imagine what DB is going to do.

He hasn't made it more than 2 days in the last 10 without really playing games.

I think he may be scared as well.

I pray for him. I visualize god in his life helping him feel whole. I pray for him.

And then I log on to look at my bank account and before I even know what has happened I have the voodoo doll held tightly in my hand and it has a strong resemblance to DB even with all those pins sticking out of it. :)

Truly I am angry however I am praying and working so hard on forgiveness. It is a process for me.

I have missed you all and I am so glad I am reconnected so I can catch up.

My Friends

My laptop died so I have been MIA. I have an archaic desktop in the basement which means if I am on it then my kiddos are also close by. Not a therapeutic environment for blogging.

So much of the same has transpired since I last checked in. Blah Blah Blah. I could go on and on with DB's transgressions and cruelty but you all know without me even going into it.

My divorce is going to trial in June. Doesn't look like we can come to any type of agreement on so many levels so that is that.

My children are suffering and no longer want to be around their dad.

I am looking for a M-F day job so they will not have to be with DB 3 evenings a week.

I found a therapist for the boys and I am excited about that. Still looking for me.

I am finding my way slowly through all of this.

DB's last tyred left me incredibly sad and even more confused as to how and why someone would treat a woman they once loved and the mother of their children the way he does me however I cannot spend time there. It is pointless, I will most likely never understand him or what happened to him.

I am still just kind of hanging out having to put up with some of his insanity because of the kids and learning how to cut off the rest.

I feel wounded and vulnerable and I know I am exactly where I need to be. I have begun finding some acceptance in the day to day stuff realizing that this is not something I get to race through. Not something to be endured either. I have had many lessons and will continue to learn and find my way. This is not ending any time soon so I better just dig in and learn. I am still reeling and feel like my whole life continues to have aftershocks often. I am no longer ashamed at how hard this is and how fucking impacted I am. I do not love DB nor do I want him back and I knew the second I really found out that I was done. However waking up to find that it is all a lie and then to be reminded that the man you married, loved, had children with is gone and may have never existed in the first place is just horrifying.

He is truly without a soul, his cruelty, vindictiveness, his lack of morals, his disregard for the boys makes me question everything. Everything.

Yep, I so need therapy. :)

I really am okay though, I just know that I get a bit deeper with each lesson and I am working hard on me. Working hard on being the best me I can be.

I have missed you all and can't wait to get a second to catch up on things.

Thank God That is Over

So, Christmas was full of joy. It ended with DB driving at full speed into my yard with his GF and her 3 kids in his truck. Well it didn't really end there, insults flew and truly I thought he was going to hit me. I must admit I hoped he would as it would have at least been amusing in a very sick way to watch him get hauled off to jail.

Prior to this incredibly trashy episode he called and attempted to insert his drama into my day with my kids. I did not allow this and due to his annoying time sucking bullshit I also did not allow him to have the boys for the 5 hours we agreed on. I took my precious time back from him and stated he could come get them one hour later than previously planned. He did not like it hence the acting out on my lawn.

We have a court date soon. The tension is getting to us both I am sure.

For my side of all this I am just a mess. I go so far to the right then the left. So fast I don't even catch a glimpse of the middle. I am either blaming him totally or blaming myself for everything. I see now how much damage I did to myself living the way I did with him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I was before I met him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I am now as a result of this marriage and the lies and it is killing me. Having to parent with this man that is void of reason, consideration, morals and love is killing me. But more than all of that not taking appropriate and healthy responsibility for my life is killing me.

My children are acting out and totally suffering and I am pissed. I am pissed at me, at him and at the fucking world.

I still don't have a dime and I am barely paying the bills. He is still unemployed and not giving me a dime. His insurance is now gone and mine sucks. HOWEVER, I am finding a therapist for me and for my boys no matter what. I can no longer hope for the best. This situation is only going to get better if I get help for me and help for them. Every second of this is robbing me, is breaking me down even further and I will no longer allow it.

I am not a victim and I will prove it to myself.

I know I sound like I am a complete mess and I am. That is okay. For whatever reason I am here and I am living this life and I will find my way.

Can I just say with great reservation Happy New Year. :)

Sad Day/Hard Week

Today was my youngest son's christmas play and party at preschool. It was just adorable.

It was just so hard to be there though, so hard to see the parents, the husbands, the dads. So hard to wonder why. I was not in a good place. It was one of those days where I internalized DB's addiction and the mess of my life. A day where I wondered if I was better, smarter, prettier, less dark and complicated, came from a even almost functional family if just maybe it would not have turned out this way.

A day where I am totally convinced that my focus in life need never be on a relationship as I am clearly no good at them.

I was so sad.

This week has been tough which did not help.

My oldest had a play at school and I could not go as I had to work. DB took GF and her million children.

The day after my youngest son's teacher brought up my son's behavior and stated that it made so much more sense now that she saw DB with his GF's kids. Because GF has a child younger than my baby and DB seems to have really bonded with her baby it makes more sense that my son is needing more attention and feeling so insecure.

You know this just kills me. The hurt he causes my children is reprehensible. People are nice, they try to paint a pretty picture but here is the truth. What he is doing to my children is altering who they are, it is impacting their self esteem and it is changing their course in life. This is having a negative impact on two innocent children. His children.

I am just sad, exhausted and sad.