Seriously Bitter

Yep, that is me. Seriously bitter. I hear things about marriage, engagement, love, family and my eyes roll in my head and I swear my head is going to spin off and knock someone out.

I am bitter. I do not believe in any of it at this moment. I don't have to believe in it. If you have found love good for you. Embrace it.

As for me, I believe in me.

I believe in the love I have for my amazing boys and the love they have for me. I believe in my flawed family. I believe in me.

I believe I married a man that has no conscience, I believe I married a man that does not love me and may never have, I believe I married a man that is incapable of putting others first, I no longer believe that he is good underneath all this sickness. He is not good nor does he want to be good.

I believe in me. Someday this divorce will be complete and I will move on. Until then I reserve the right to be bitter, to not even acknowledge love and I will heal.

I believe in me.

Still Lying

To myself, still lying to myself. How could I still be here, still running from truth. I am so fearful of living, of digging in, of feeling.

I feel so broken so mentally ill. The worst has happened, I have ran, I have choose lies over truth, security over living, hate over love yet I am still afraid.

Am I so ill that I will never truly accept that I am the one that does the most damage. That I have nothing to fear any longer. I am slowly killing myself, shitting all over my future, my dreams, my desire. I have already killed my passion, my hope.

But here is the fucked up thing. Will I always be like this; miserable, emotionally stunted, dark, destructive, hopeless. Or will I experience freedom, freedom from me.

Can I get better, can I do it on my own. How can I be so strong with the external yet so weak with the visceral.

I don't have answers, I don't know how I will get through this. I don't know if things will get better, they have been bad for quite some time.

I am tired, I can't give up and I won't. Fuck I want to.

The Spoken Word

I have decided that the spoken word sucks.

Here is my thinking. At this moment my life is a fucking train wreck and it just keeps on giving. However I know that many, many people go through what I am going through and more.

I love to hear peoples experiences, their messy lives. I love to hear how they survived it all, the fucked up coping skills they used or the humor.

You don't get that in a conversation unless you have created a strong bond with the person and by that time you already know all their shit.

This is why I love books and film. You can fucking taste the emotion behind the experience, you can literally feel the struggle, the fight, the fuck whatever it may be.

We do not converse in a manner that tells a story.

Years from now some poor fucked up girl will hear me commenting on this time in my life and she will perk up with hope waiting to identify only to be disappointed. I will sweep it away, minimize it to a time in my life that was hard.

I will not do justice to the darkness I live in, the pain, the hopelessness I feel, the fear I have for my brokenhearted children.

I will be on the other side of it, I will have removed myself from it. I will have already overcome it.

We truly miss out on so much experience by not telling our stories, by not listening.

Alive

I am beginning to feel alive. I had two days were I actually felt joy. I am beginning to feel comfortable in my body. I seriously thought today that I wish the happiness would go now as I just know it can't last long and I am so afraid of feeling the pain.

My visit to notheren California played a huge role in this peace. I was actually free of the drama, I stepped so far away from the pain. I finally saw how awful this all is. How hurt I truly am. How deeply I hurt for myself and for my babies. How amazing it is that we are making this work. That my boys are so strong and so kind and loving. That perfect strangers can teach and love and truly make a difference. That this life is harsh and ugly and so tough to navigate through. That I am strong, so strong. I am strong enough to get me through this and more importantly I will get my boys through this.

He was never strong. Never.

Free

I can't move from the feelings. I can't stop the tears. They are constant lately. I feel like they stop me from breaking through, from experiencing true freedom.

Then I sit, I am quiet, I feel and I know freedom will come once I honor my truth. I am flooded with feelings as I have been hiding for so long. I have ran from them, buried them, raged at them, and spent far too long checked out. Now they won't stop. I welcome them, I am free. They terrify me, they seem stronger than me yet I am free.

Agoraphobia

I feel like I have become agoraphobic

I am not trapped in a house

I am trapped inside of me

Not trapped for fear of a panic attack no I am trapped for fear of feeling

Of being flooded with emotions that I do not acknowledge

I have built my own bunker right inside of me, I am safe yet I am trapped, alone, surrounded by concrete walls and eating fucking canned food, barely living - totally surviving

Is this my life, will I live like this forever

Will I ever take a breath of fresh air, will I smile and laugh and feel joy, will I go after my desires

Will I breathe again

Resentment

I am so resentful. Truly not much that I do not resent at this moment. I resent being clean, how I would love to drown in a bottle of something. I won't. I will stay here with my anger raw and powerful. I will stay here and feel my vulnerability. I will stay here in this self pity that is fucking suffocating me. I will stay here in this hate. I will stay in this truth, the knowledge that I have to protect myself from him and from me.

See that is my dilemma; after all of these years of recovery, of working on myself to the point of fucking nausea I am still fucked up. So if I am still fucked up would it matter if I was able to have a little escape, a fucking reprieve. I don't know the answer and I am comfortable questioning it all without taking action. I will continue to sit here in my life, I will continue to try to feel and accept and somehow be gracious. I will continue to have truth no matter the cost. I will continue to grow. And maybe I will find some peace somewhere.