Am I Breathing

I have never been emotionally mature. Feelings are a chore for me. All the work I have done in my own recovery and on myself has all centered around the fact that I am not interested in feelings. Hell my own addiction fed off this fact.

So here I am in the storm and I feel like I am drowning most of the time. I am so overwhelmed at the task of simply acknowledging my feelings that I often just shut down and trudge ahead. Add the crazy fucking X (whom I have renamed DB) and I just can't keep my head above water. I need a break from the insanity.

However I know the break will only come after I have done the work.

I am so tired.

Clarity

My thoughts bounce all over. I struggle with what is right, what is healthy and what is easier. I sit here in awe that my life, my children's life has come down to this. This fight, a fight that may be necessary and may not be. I don't know anymore. I know it wasn't supposed to be like this. I know that I shouldn't have to wonder if my children are better off with or without their father. I know that now there are two more people in the mix of this that are going to complicate things. I hate that I have to trust a professional to watch out for me and my babies. I hate that money is driving much of this fight, his fight.

I hate that my husband shows me on a consistent basis that who he chooses to be is not who I want to father my children. A bit late for that isn't it. So what do I do, how do I go on from here. I take each day as it comes and I often think in each situation with him that there is no going back from here. Well here we are again yet another defining moment that alters every second of my tomorrow of my babies tomorrow. He is gone, the man I married is gone rarely even a small glimpse can be seen. Does he know how close he is to losing it all, does he care?

He truly appears to not care. I know he does not care about me and that is fine. I can accept that at this point. Honestly it is refreshing to not have to tolerate his over compensating when it comes to his feelings about me.

However here is my dilemma, I care. I care about many things. I put my children first, I will sacrifice to do the right thing. So what do I do, do I take the advice given? How do I make a decision like this? How do I feel okay either way? I have no idea where he is headed, what impact he will have. I should probably assume he will only get worse. Will he hurt them, will he hurt them just to hurt me. Just two weeks ago he said he would drive away with them. I keep operating like this man is the man I married and he is not.

Seriously what do I do...

Insane

I haven't blogged much lately.

I had a week that was full of crazy making the SAH. It was so exhausting and lasted far too long. I let it take up so much time that I am honestly behind on many things. My poor children get to be right in the middle of it all.

I will cut to the end as you all can just insert DRAMA, sex addiction, a codie and you know how it goes. The end is that he filed which really pissed me off on so many levels. He wants 50/50 on the kids. He has never made a decision when it comes to our children and I mean never. He wants us to split our debt 50/50 which is nuts. He makes $15 more that I do an hour. And he has no right to file I should have had that joy - I think. And then the realization that I am stuck with this jackass for the rest of my babies lives just about made me totally lose it. The thought of listening to his lies and having my children affected by his insanity was just so much.

However I am now fine with it. I do not believe that any judge would give him 50/50 as far as the babies go nor let him make decisions. I am not a victim and I have a job that I can pick up shifts whenever I want for extra cash. I will make it fincancially and I will provide for myself and my children.

So he was truly nuts for a good week there - it was awful. So awful I seriously considered getting an ex parte to keep him away from the kids. My lawyer said that was an option as his behavior was that erratic. Now this week he bought me a fucking lawn mower. Really, a lawn mower. He even mowed the yard.

So now I wait, wait for the next round, wait for whatever truth or hideous action he is trying to cover up or mow over. :)

I don't want a lawn mower, I want peace.

I need to find a meeting to go to - it is so easy to just survive right now as that is truly about all I feel capable of. I haven't gone to my therapist as my insurance is fighting covering it. I haven't picked up any of my workbooks. I have just been drowning in a murky lake that I clearly jumped right in knowing exactly what would happen. Amazing how quickly I got off track.

At least I don't have to mow the lawn. Hey maybe he will buy me a new washer and dryer and he can wash the heeps of laundry I keep ignoring.