Again

Okay I truly hate that my posts are still about DB as I think it is unhealthy and reminds me that too much focus and energy goes to him. However so much has happened that I have to get it out of my head.

So a few weeks ago DB called to say he had been arrested for domestic violence. So he bailed himself out, called his friends and somehow got into a new place that night. For the next few days he was a mess, calling and crying, apologizing for all that he did to me and the boys. Just constant drama. Well of course I was worried about the boys and how this would affect them. Apparently they had grown to hate her so they were excited to have their dad back. Which is whole other issue to me as they will go through it again with him and women.

He has eluded to wanting to get back together which has been annoying, insulting, confusing, gratifying and many other things. I have so many emotions around it and have been so uncomfortable I can't even tell you.

As the drama seemed to slow down after our last court date I finally began the grieving process of my marriage ending. It was good, painful, but needed. I am late in this process as having to fight for my kids and defend myself constantly took all my energy. I was so blinded by my hate and pain that I couldn't even remember a time when I loved him. So finally I began to grieve. Well I haven't even gotten through that yet and here it comes, his games, his desire for good old reliable me to come fix it.

I have felt so much including a small part of me entertaining trying to work it out. Of course this thought repulsed me and made my self loathing rage. I was so confused, how I could even for a second consider that. And finally it occurred to me I am a mother, a mother that stayed in a marriage that was unhappy for the kids, a mother that sacrifices everything (too much) for her kids. This is what many mothers do. I made a choice four years ago that I would stay in that marriage for my kids. I am now making a choice that I will stay as far away from that man as possible for me and for my kids. I will continue to grieve, probably continue to adjust to letting go and continue to choose me.

Courage.

These Addicts

Oh my, so DB and I have been getting along lately. My take on it is I need to be nice for the boys, it is easier and I also go back to what I learned in nursing school: people don't sue people they like! Haha now that is funny. Remember I have been to court 3 times in a matter of 4 months.

So lalala we are getting along. Except he just keeps trying to get deeper and deeper in there. He is reaching out more, he talks about his psychiatrist, his meds, his girlfriend, his physical problems. Now you have to understand he is good, he talks fast with very little connection between sentences so it is possible for him to rattle all of this off and before I know it I am in. Ugh, I hate it. I so don't want to spend my free time talking with him. Well this goes on for a few weeks and then I finally had enough. I kept trying to figure out a way to appease him while getting him away from me however I was not successful.

I finally just confronted him. I told him I couldn't handle the burden of his life any longer, that he was not my husband. I told him I never expected him to be there for me and that I have a life that he knows nothing about because I do not share with him as he is not my husband. He was so pissed, he hung up on me. He was rude and short when we had to talk about the boys. I told him I was sorry for hurting his feelings but that we needed boundaries and this was mine.

You know I am finally realizing that I have to pay a price when it comes to him no matter what so I might as well be true to me first. It won't get better, he won't get better. He has done so much damage and truly attempted to destroy me why not just let go of the what ifs, let go of treating him like a fragile piece of rare (insert whatever) let's make sure we don't wake the beast. You know that isn't my life anymore I choose to get out of that. I woke up one day and decided I was done. Now I get to live my life, I don't walk around uncomfortable for anyone, I don't make life pretty for anyone. I am real and my life is honest and raw just the way I like it.

On a side note I am applying for a masters program in my field. Wow, I am nuts. Here is the deal, I want an advanced degree, I love my field, I love business, I will be able to combine the two, I will earn double what I am earning now, I have to support my children and cannot count on DB, my life is not going to get easier and the number one reason is I want this. I can do it, I have proven over and over again that I can do anything.

Courage

Interesting Turn of Events

I last blogged that I am depressed. I made an appointment to see my doc for next week. However something interesting is happening inside of me which is making me question if this is depression or just part of the process.

I have intelectually accepted that all of the drama and anger over the last year and half has stopped me from grieving, I have articulated that, I have asked if there is something I need to do to facilitate the grief or will it have to happen organically, I have checked in with myself often to see if it has begun and nothing. Until now that it is.

It began with missing DB, I began to miss our family time, I began to miss the life we had together, the laughter, the team aspect. Suddenly I began to accept that he confirmed for me or that little girl in me that love is pain and men are not be trusted. I began to see the devastation of finding out that the man I was married to was in fact living a different life. The hurt that came when my family was ripped apart, that while I no longer believed in him I did believe in our family. I was willing to do anything to keep my family together, to keep us happy and yes I was clearly willing to sacrifice my happiness.

The dust is settling and I now get to mourn.

He is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication, he is in the process of being diagnosed. I told him I was happy for him, I hope he finds peace. And I mean that however too much has happened and he has truly tried with everything he has to destroy me, to take my babies from me, to ruin my professional life. I cannot trust him and he says understands that however now he sneaks away from his new family to tell me things he misses about me, about us, about our life together. It is annoying as it will be an innocent conversation about the boys and he will just slip it in. I ignore it and he continues until I acknowledge what he has said with something flippant. I can't have that. I won't.

I told him he has done too much, he said he knew that. He said he lost his way.

He can never take back what all has happened and neither can I. I can begin this grieving process with open arms and trust myself enough to get through, which I have and I do. I can begin the process of healing and forgiving myself only through feeling this and digging deep for my truths. Honestly there is a small part of me (small but growing) that admires the strength and resolve of that woman who stayed, who loved her family enough to not give up. If I knew who he really was I would have ran so fast but I didn't, so I held on to what I believed in and I dug in for my children, for my family.

Case Dismissed Again

I finally heard from my lawyer that DB's motion to reduce his child support was dismissed.

I am grateful for that.

I did finally notice today that I am depressed. I mean not really living, everything is a horrible effort and so dark kind of depressed.

I have been totally beating myself up for a good while about my non living which is just making it worse. Finally today it dawned on me that I am depressed.

I hate depression, but I do love me and I love the resources I have and I love that I do not have to suffer and I love that I am now aware and can do something about it. And I will do something about it. I don't like to take meds but I know I need to because this is the I am paralyzed kind of depression.

So a new chapter begins.

Angry

Well here I am, it is late and I should be sleeping.

I am just fucking angry at DB.

I am tired of the games, tired of the financial burden, tired of court, tired of being nice, tired of being silent when I can't be nice. I am tired and pissed.

Seriously, he is just such a burden to me.

You know he actually had the audacity to tell me he missed some things about me, that he had learned from me and that Mrs DB did not behave in the same manner as me when it came to these certain things. He said he needed to whisper because well you know she may hear. Seriously, I don't even speak to this man unless I am forced to. How he snuck that load in I have no idea.

Then he texted me asking for a favor. I ignored it.

Tomorrow is court. This is the third time since June 15th.

I need to sleep but I am pissed. Maybe a little Chelsea Lately will make me giggle.

Back To Court

Yep, can you believe it? Of course you can because DB is nuts and if you are following my blog you know nuts.

He wants to modify the amount of child support he is NOT paying. We go back to court on Thursday and I will have recieved 3/4 of a payment by then.

He wants it cut in half. I hope to hell that the judge just throws it out without hearing the motion.

Alone?

I felt incredibly alone yesterday. I woke this morning feeling alone. I journaled this morning the old school way with pen to paper. I sat in silence, I felt my feelings, I sat in silence, I listened. I journaled more. I cried and cried.

I had an interesting thought. Not a new one but interesting. I have always been of the belief that being in an unhealthy relationship is far more lonely. However, I questioned if I had more fear, less security now that I am single and raising my babies alone. I saw DB with a shovel throwing dirt behind him, he was relaxed and did not appear to be exerting himself.

He was digging us deeper and deeper into the mess we were creating and he was fine.

This is why I do not fear more today. This is why I am more secure.

Case Dismissed

Obviously my last little session in court went well... for me.

Honestly it was a dramatic day. I was mortified and humiliated that I had to go. Once there I was mortified and humiliated for human kind and for participating in the human experience.

I am not into judge shows and jerry springer makes me feel anxious and hostile the second it is on. With that said, the only comparison I can make is a cross between judge judy and jerry springer.

I was in the front row and quickly figured out by the podiums, microphones and standing room only for petitioners and respondents that nothing would be private.

I must admit I was more concerned over what I would hear rather what others would hear about me.

My first moment of fear that day came when a married couple stood in front of the judge arguing about what they considered idle threats of killing each other and their children. One apparently had a recording of the other.

My next fear filled moment occurred when I laid eyes upon a developmentally delayed mother who was trying to get a restraining order against her husband as she believes he has figured out a way to continue to abuse their daughter during supervised visitation.

Then of course a soldier sat next to me who was just beside himself with emotion. He would talk to me without really expecting me to say anything however his closed remarks became more and more disturbing. He escalated so far that I finally made him tell me if he had a therapist and made him point out the people he was with whom were escorting him back to treatment.

Next, much to my happiness we were all relocated to the row behind as a prisoner was being escorted in the court room shackles and all.

Then my shining moment. At this point DB has had two opportunities to drop this ridiculous order. And he has not done so.

DB did not bring his lawyer. That would be the same lawyer who told him to not do any of this beginning with the ER visit.

I brought mine.

DB plead his case. He sounded pathetic.

My lawyer pounded him. I did not say a word the entire trial.

My, it was amusing. My lawyer just totally annihilated him.

And to top it all off for me, the judge laughed at him.

Case Dismissed!

More Fucking Drama

So I am off to court again. I was served on Thursday. Apparently DB attempted to get an order of protection so I could not go near my oldest son. This all stems back to his ridiculus abuse allegations. Now I have to go speak to the judge.

I think he must have forgotten that he filed this and that we were going back to court. You see, this was supposed to be his second weekend in a row with the boys yet he offered for me to have them the entire weekend. And yes we have had a great weekend.

Fucking moron. Someday this drama will stop and I am sure I will feel akward will all of the free time and peace I have.

:) Seriously you have got to laugh!

Final?

I am divorced! We had a full out ugly trial as DB refused to settle. It did not go well for him. I didn't get what I wanted totally however I did get what was fair and reasonable and as I expected better for me then the settlement we proposed.

I had a strange feeling that day, it didn't feel final. It felt like the calm before the storm.

And it was.

DB got the kids the next afternoon and raced my oldest son to the ER over an accidental scratch and I am talking surface, three days old, never even bled scratch. He then opened up child abuse allegations against me at the hospital. Which of course went no where as it was ridiculous.

He then took my son to three different police departments until the last agreed to hot line me again. Which went again nowhere.

He wouldn't let me have them back, he kept them from daycare and stopped answering my calls. For 16 hours I had no idea where my children were. It was horrifying.

Horrifying!

Things have settled a bit since then. He fired his lawyer when his lawyer strongly encouraged him to not do any of that insanity.

He totally lost it and he now pretends it didn't even happen. Crazy stuff.

He was in contempt. We are just waiting for his next move and then we will take him back to court.

I am hoping he gets help and stops this nonsense.

I met with a therapist last week and really liked her. I will see her weekly. I am so ready and afraid to focus on me.

Unfortunately for me I have to let the boys stay with DB for the entire month. It is hard although he is back to playing nice however he is unable to maintain it for long and ends up acting crazier.

I feel for him, I really do. I can't imagine what it is like inside that head. I am scared for him, well, for all of us really. I truly hope he finds his way.

One of my top goals is figuring out how to deal with him in a way that is healthy for me and in a way that keeps me under the radar. When he hurts me it hurts my kids. I just hope I can get his focus off of me without compromising myself. My therapists thinks we will be able to figure that out.

I have some clarity right now, I am seeing some connections that I haven't seen before. It is like the fog in my head cleared once I had the judges ruling on my side. I see so much of how I ended up here. It hurts and I have some serious healing to do. I am willing to accept some of these connections, some of these faults or defects in a way I have never been able to before.

I feel like working on letting him go while finding a way to deal with his crazy will allow me to also have time and energy to work on me. I do believe I can do these at the same time. And I must as he is not going away and god knows he can take up so much time and energy if I allow it.

So hopefully this is a new chapter for me. For my boys. And for DB. I pray he heals, I pray he finds his way.

But mostly I pray for myself and my amazing boys.

Pink Dress with Polka Dots

So much has changed however nothing has changed.

I am still on this ridiculous ride and I still hate it. I am however better at it. Not great, but better.

The boys and I have moved to a wonderful new place that we love.

My trial is in 11 days.

The boys are amazing and kind and growing.

My little one tells me daily that he is going to buy me a pink dress with polka dots that I can twirl around in.

DB is going to try to get full custody.

DB still doesn't pay child support nor does he pay his half of our debt.

I have moments of being stuck in the middle of the divorce and not letting go.

I have moments of paralyzing fear.

I have moments of faith and joy.

I have moments where I can actually feel that pink polka dot dress twirling around me.

TRIGGER ALERT!

I met someone. He is nice and has his own issues. I will say that before I met DB and even at the beginning of our relationship sex was something that I loved. I had some issues but I was working out much of it.

Then DB and his SA began to rule my life. I hated sex, I hated my sexuality. I lost all of my self confidence and truly internalized his SA. I doubted myself, I blamed myself. All of which are my problem not DB's.

So I met this man, we will call him W.

Going into it there was a lot of honesty and time taken to weigh out everything.

After searching my heart and my... well whatever I decided I was going to have a friends with benefits relationship with W.

Okay it lasted a couple months and just recently ended however the lessons have not.

So let me begin...

I am not DB nor do I have his issues, nor did I cause those issues.

I still love sex and I trusted my intuition in this situation and I stayed true to myself.

I did get caught up and I did begin to use him as a diversion hence the ending.

I let a man take care of me, see me, know me and it was amazing.

I was vulnerable. And I got sidetracked a bit and I got hurt a bit and I even cried.

I am okay and I did not hide any of this from him or myself.

W and I are fine. Friends still, with a more intimate understanding of each other. I miss him however it does not feel right so I refrain as does he.

Truly a freeing experience. I am not sure that I need to do it again and I am so not ready to date. I am scared to be alone and I still feel broken when it comes to relationships. I just have never been in a relationship that brings out the best in me. They usually turn me into someone I can't stand. Yes I realize codependency may be at play.

I have so much work to do and I am ready to do it. I have had my oldest in therapy for months now however I finally have an appointment set up for myself.

I am terrified of this court date and can only imagine what DB is going to do.

He hasn't made it more than 2 days in the last 10 without really playing games.

I think he may be scared as well.

I pray for him. I visualize god in his life helping him feel whole. I pray for him.

And then I log on to look at my bank account and before I even know what has happened I have the voodoo doll held tightly in my hand and it has a strong resemblance to DB even with all those pins sticking out of it. :)

Truly I am angry however I am praying and working so hard on forgiveness. It is a process for me.

I have missed you all and I am so glad I am reconnected so I can catch up.

My Friends

My laptop died so I have been MIA. I have an archaic desktop in the basement which means if I am on it then my kiddos are also close by. Not a therapeutic environment for blogging.

So much of the same has transpired since I last checked in. Blah Blah Blah. I could go on and on with DB's transgressions and cruelty but you all know without me even going into it.

My divorce is going to trial in June. Doesn't look like we can come to any type of agreement on so many levels so that is that.

My children are suffering and no longer want to be around their dad.

I am looking for a M-F day job so they will not have to be with DB 3 evenings a week.

I found a therapist for the boys and I am excited about that. Still looking for me.

I am finding my way slowly through all of this.

DB's last tyred left me incredibly sad and even more confused as to how and why someone would treat a woman they once loved and the mother of their children the way he does me however I cannot spend time there. It is pointless, I will most likely never understand him or what happened to him.

I am still just kind of hanging out having to put up with some of his insanity because of the kids and learning how to cut off the rest.

I feel wounded and vulnerable and I know I am exactly where I need to be. I have begun finding some acceptance in the day to day stuff realizing that this is not something I get to race through. Not something to be endured either. I have had many lessons and will continue to learn and find my way. This is not ending any time soon so I better just dig in and learn. I am still reeling and feel like my whole life continues to have aftershocks often. I am no longer ashamed at how hard this is and how fucking impacted I am. I do not love DB nor do I want him back and I knew the second I really found out that I was done. However waking up to find that it is all a lie and then to be reminded that the man you married, loved, had children with is gone and may have never existed in the first place is just horrifying.

He is truly without a soul, his cruelty, vindictiveness, his lack of morals, his disregard for the boys makes me question everything. Everything.

Yep, I so need therapy. :)

I really am okay though, I just know that I get a bit deeper with each lesson and I am working hard on me. Working hard on being the best me I can be.

I have missed you all and can't wait to get a second to catch up on things.