The Fog

I feel like I am still in the fog. This life of mine has moved so quickly and has been such a shock I just still feel unclear.

Living and sharing life and children with an SA is incredibly confusing. Divorcing and sharing children with an SA is still confusing.

I choose for so many years to live this lie that I still find almost 6 months out that truth escapes me. My truth. I am getting there however it is slow.

I am beginning to see how responsible I feel for it all. In my attempt to let go of him and his shit I see how having such a tight rein on everything led to such failure for me. I am still under that delusion that I actually could have controlled him or the outcome of my marriage. That I actually control anything or that I would want to control anything right now is just ridiculous.

I feel like such a failure in this all. I am so brokenhearted for myself, for my children. I feel like it was all me. I keep hoping that he wakes up, he finally accepts responsibility and owns what he has done. Not because I want him back, not because I want an apology, not to mend any thing in any way. But to let me off the hook. For him to tell me it wasn't my fault, for him to reassure me of who I am. To know that it was him, that he is the broken one. For him to validate all those years of holding on to the lie, to validate that yes there was a need to control him and all that energy I expended was not for nothing. For him to save me from this life I have to lead now where I can't escape truth, where I can't control, where every maladaptive coping mechanism has been ripped from me and here I am totally vulnerable.

Yes, I want him to fall on his knees in front of me and beg me to know that it was him. Humiliated and remorseful.

This story ends with only one of us on our knees and it is not him.

I am catching glimpses of the fog lifting. It is beautiful and I am grateful.

Doctor

I went to the doctor yesterday. He was incredibly compassionate and even amusing.

I told him what my life has been like the last 6 months. I think I would have been fine if DB didn't get laid off. I was having moments of true joy. Now I am in hell.

The DR was kind he laughed, he made me laugh, he asked me if I know that mostly life sucked and that we get brief moments of bliss. He said I could not enjoy the bliss. That there was little bliss in my life but that I couldn't enjoy it if it was there.

He spoke of some research he is reading. He explained some things to me about neurotransmitters and why sociopaths do what they do, he then explained it in terms of SA and addiction in general. He also drew in interesting picture of personality disorders and why people with all of these issue love to hook up. How they are actually feeding off of each other in a chemical way. How ones neurotransmitter not firing actually can make a partners fire in all the sick ways she wants it to. It was interesting. It was sad.

I really liked him, he was down to earth and truly validated this deep, dark fucking hole I am stuck in. I felt relief. I felt a tiny amount of hope for me.

Some temporary hope came when I thought of somehow getting this information to DB and then realizing at the pivotal moment that this was about me. I need help, I need to care for me.

He has his own path that is no longer anywhere near mine.

I felt relief.

The Hurt

I am an angry person, dark, sarcastic and I love truth. No matter how ugly it is I love truth.

I have focused on much of my anger here.

I feel the need to put it out there so that it is never misunderstood. I am devastated by what has happened to my family. I have been completely and totally ripped apart by my husband.

While I was extremely unhappy in our marriage and was unwilling to be honest with myself about that, I never deserved all of this.

The humiliation, the fears, the unanswered questions, the lies, the rage, the avoidance, the craziness, the doubts, the insecurities.

All of it has turned me inside out. He has turned me inside out. He has torn apart my children first with the rage and avoidance while he lived here, leaving and then putting me through so much shit on a daily basis during this ugly divorce. They have watched him rip me apart over and over again.

I have told him in the past that I believe he is broken. I know it is cruel but he is broken. Anyone that would do all of this to his family is broken. He chooses to not fix himself.

Okay I am Pissed

As I stated in my earlier post my husband has a new girlfriend.

On so many levels this is wrong to me. And I am pissed.

I would like to blame my anger on my need to protect my children and my exhaustion from damage control. However I am pissed for so many reasons.

First of all my husband DB is a sex addict. He disagrees with this. He is positive that I was the problem. Having said that he has had two moments of true honesty with me since I figured out what was going on.

On the first occasion he admitted to not being able to function as a dad and husband. It was too much and he was too weak.

On the second occasion he admitted to having a problem with sexual addiction as far back as childhood. He cited specific examples in his childhood, teenage years and twenties.

He also admitted to feeling a ton of fear as he felt he was escalating. He was now contacting couples and was open to sex with men. Although he maintains he has never had sex with anyone while we were together. He felt like he could actually do it now that I knew. The damage was done so why not.

He admitted many other things but those are some of what I cannot get out of my head.

So here is the deal. He has been seeing this girl or is in what he calls a serious relationship with this girl for four weeks. He has been unemployed for five weeks. She has three children the youngest is two.

Back when I found out what he was doing and what he was willing to do I asked him to leave. I did ask him to get help as well, however I knew nothing would come of it. I did not want to make it work. I did not have the energy, nor the love to go through recovery with him. However I did not realize I really didn't have a choice as recovery was not an option.

So now here he is cured and in love. He couldn't handle the family he actually established how can he handle someone elses children. He put his boys through hell and is fine with allowing them to get close to a woman he has been with for a fucking month.

He spent months fucking with me every chance he got yet he has grown, he has evolved.

Okay I am even pissed at her and I don't even know her. But how the fuck could she allow an unemployed, married, father of two that she has know for a month around her babies. Oh my god that just sends me into a rage.

Honestly, I don't even like him around my children imagine what kind of damage she will do.

Seriously, this is just such a fucked up situation.

I keep wanting to call him and ask him questions, argue or whatever but I don't because it is not worth it, he is not worth it. I just have to stand strong and protect my boys.

Truly, this woman who clearly has no self respect will go away hopefully before too much damage is done and then there will be a new one. Although he is pretty good about keeping the lie alive around seven years. He is escalating though so it may take less. I just hope between the two of them they only hurt each other and not the kids, all five of them. :)

Maybe It Is Me

I spent the morning with my soon to be ex as our son had a surgery. My baby got through everything great.

However I figured out last night that my husband is seeing someone and again he is bringing the boys around her. She has three kids and they have been seeing each other for a month.

It is serious he says, it is not dating, it is a relationship he says. After a month.

You can imagine my response. I was honest, I was cruel. I made sure he knew that I was being honest and that my cruelty was my truth.

I explained that all that he has done gets him exactly this.

He said I was the mother he had always hoped for for his children. I told him I wished I felt that way about him.

I do not. Many of my days are spent doing damage control or making up for where he falls short.

I do feel all of that however tonight I began looking back. I am beginning to wonder if I am angry and bitter for all the wrong reasons. Sure he did tons of damage, sure he lacks most things that are needed to be a decent human being.

But here is the deal. I stayed. I did not even question my love for him. Well, my lack of love. I knew that how I felt about him was not how I wanted to feel for my husband. I choose to focus on school and the kids. I did everything in my power to stay away from him. It is interesting that I did not magically get better the second he left. Maybe that is because I am at the center of all the anger, all the bitterness.

I told him today that he never contributed to making me a more healthy person. That he made my life worse. His got substantially better the second we got serious. I told him that I was damaged and lost faith in humanity because of him.

Wow. I am not so sure about that. Yes, he is disgusting and no he is not a decent man. He is broken and lacks most characteristics that I would want for the father of my babies. However, I am the one that put up with all that shit. I choose to ignore who he was so I could have security. I choose to compromise my values so we could keep our family together. I am the one who sits here today taking no action to better my life, holding onto lies and he is gone.

Maybe it is time for me to take a deeper look at me.

Stuck In The Mud

I heard this expression recently and while I thought it sounded a bit on the red neck side - I totally related. This is exactly how I feel.

I don't want to be stuck. I see what is around me and I want it. I want to fulfill my dreams, to live my life. However I am stuck in the mud.

No matter how badly I want out, I am stuck. I am unable to move.

Twice in my life I have been stuck in the mud like this. The first time centered around my dads death.

The second centered around my baby's health crisis that lasted far too long and began at his birth.

Both times I had to take medication. Both times I went off it.

I am going to the doctor on Tuesday.

I have tried again and again to pull myself out of this and I am still stuck.

I do not want medication however it is absolutely necessary.

I just can't stand here in the mud watching my life pass. I want to live my life, I want to be true to myself, I want to be all the things I know I can be however I cannot do that stuck in the mud.

Today Is Dark

I woke up this morning to my baby, his happy little voice. I could tell he was well rested and felt good. He was talkative. He knew he had slept long enough by how the light was trying to peep through the curtains.

I knew I had overslept.

I got the boys ready for school. They were loving and cute and I wonder if my life would have purpose if they were not here.

I think I have risen above much of my shit because of them. I wonder if I would have been strong enough without them.

They force me to live better, to walk through fear and to never give up on finding my truth.

Yes the day was trying to show itself through the curtains however it is still cloudy.

It is a day of silence, to take care of things I have been putting off.

A day to recognize the darkness and admire that the light is still showing itself.

I am grateful.