Thank God That is Over

So, Christmas was full of joy. It ended with DB driving at full speed into my yard with his GF and her 3 kids in his truck. Well it didn't really end there, insults flew and truly I thought he was going to hit me. I must admit I hoped he would as it would have at least been amusing in a very sick way to watch him get hauled off to jail.

Prior to this incredibly trashy episode he called and attempted to insert his drama into my day with my kids. I did not allow this and due to his annoying time sucking bullshit I also did not allow him to have the boys for the 5 hours we agreed on. I took my precious time back from him and stated he could come get them one hour later than previously planned. He did not like it hence the acting out on my lawn.

We have a court date soon. The tension is getting to us both I am sure.

For my side of all this I am just a mess. I go so far to the right then the left. So fast I don't even catch a glimpse of the middle. I am either blaming him totally or blaming myself for everything. I see now how much damage I did to myself living the way I did with him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I was before I met him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I am now as a result of this marriage and the lies and it is killing me. Having to parent with this man that is void of reason, consideration, morals and love is killing me. But more than all of that not taking appropriate and healthy responsibility for my life is killing me.

My children are acting out and totally suffering and I am pissed. I am pissed at me, at him and at the fucking world.

I still don't have a dime and I am barely paying the bills. He is still unemployed and not giving me a dime. His insurance is now gone and mine sucks. HOWEVER, I am finding a therapist for me and for my boys no matter what. I can no longer hope for the best. This situation is only going to get better if I get help for me and help for them. Every second of this is robbing me, is breaking me down even further and I will no longer allow it.

I am not a victim and I will prove it to myself.

I know I sound like I am a complete mess and I am. That is okay. For whatever reason I am here and I am living this life and I will find my way.

Can I just say with great reservation Happy New Year. :)

Sad Day/Hard Week

Today was my youngest son's christmas play and party at preschool. It was just adorable.

It was just so hard to be there though, so hard to see the parents, the husbands, the dads. So hard to wonder why. I was not in a good place. It was one of those days where I internalized DB's addiction and the mess of my life. A day where I wondered if I was better, smarter, prettier, less dark and complicated, came from a even almost functional family if just maybe it would not have turned out this way.

A day where I am totally convinced that my focus in life need never be on a relationship as I am clearly no good at them.

I was so sad.

This week has been tough which did not help.

My oldest had a play at school and I could not go as I had to work. DB took GF and her million children.

The day after my youngest son's teacher brought up my son's behavior and stated that it made so much more sense now that she saw DB with his GF's kids. Because GF has a child younger than my baby and DB seems to have really bonded with her baby it makes more sense that my son is needing more attention and feeling so insecure.

You know this just kills me. The hurt he causes my children is reprehensible. People are nice, they try to paint a pretty picture but here is the truth. What he is doing to my children is altering who they are, it is impacting their self esteem and it is changing their course in life. This is having a negative impact on two innocent children. His children.

I am just sad, exhausted and sad.

My Divorce

So DB wants to meet with me to go over our divorce and agree on everything because he needs to be divorced now.

I told him no. I explained that I did not want to fight but based on his behavior and my need to protect myself that I need my lawyer present.

He was very angry and threatened things. He then said it had been since summer and again he needed this done now.

I explained maybe his time would have been better spent trying to partner with me instead of isolating me.

I said I would no longer discuss this and that my lawyer has suggested we don't meet.

He is very angry which is fine as it is not my problem. I do have this really strong feeling that something is up. I mean it is a strong feeling. I don't know if he is up to something or if maybe something has happened but I know something is up.

I said it before and I will say again, it would not surprise me if GF is pregnant.

Can I just say I wish his energy was spent on finding a job instead of this.

Decisions

I filled out paperwork for my lawyer that has been on my table for a couple of months now.

I am just at a loss regarding employment as working 3-4 12 hour shifts is really hard with my boys.

I am also still having problems with DB as he is immature and makes poor decisions when it comes to the boys.

I could try to find a M-F job that would allow me more time with the boys. I am interested in mental health and that would be an option as there is a facility close by with those hours.

The hospital I am at now has an OR position open.

But here is my hangup I love what I am doing, I love the hospital, our patient population, management, my coworkers and what I was beginning to dislike has been taken care of. However it is robbing me. I work hard and I am not taking care of myself. The work one day then have the boys then work again then have them again is not working for any of us. I have considered grouping my days together but that gives them far too much time with DB.

I just go round and round and mind f it all to death.

So here is what I have been doing lately with it. Going to god, giving it to god and really trying to listen, then going again, giving it again and listening harder. I haven't allowed god in my life for so long that this is akward so I am aware the answer may be right in front of me yet I still don't know what to do. I go again to god and say man I just suck at not running the show can you help me out here? Be clear, be loud, can you be in my face god? I rest.

I am not really great at this stuff and I am finding it so hard to bounce back, the pain, the stress all of it is getting to me. I am so sick of change yet I know more is coming and I know it is needed. I just wish I could let go, I just wish I could let up on myself. This sucks and I don't like it however I will not give up. :)

Dreams

I had odd dreams last night. I can't remember them as vividly as I did this morning however I do remember one.

Dream: DB had an affair and was leaving me to be with her. I was much like I am now relieved to be done, grateful that god did for me what I did not have the courage to do for myself. And then time fast forwards and I am looking through his phone and at that moment I knew he had changed.

We go for a long walk with the whole family including his family and I tell him I want to get through this together. I want to look back and know that we went through horribly tough times but we didn't quit and we made it. We hugged and kissed and it felt like we were getting married all over again. It was truly a celebration and we were excited. I knew in the dream it was the right thing to be doing.

So much of this dream is just odd. First of all the man that was DB was not him, he did not feel like him, he looked like him only softer, I could feel his spirit, his character and it was not him. Secondly, I cannot stand his family. Truly his mother is so void of any redeeming quality it is repulsive. He is so her child.

Then there is the feelings I had when I woke. At first I was startled and nervous. I then realized I was alone and my boys were with DB at his GF house. So I was relieved and okay. Then I had this hope, this peace, this joy. I didn't spend much time thinking about it as I had a busy day ahead of me. I drank coffee and made a list of goals and dreams. I then got busy online working on classes for work.

Tonight I got all the holiday decorations out and put up the tree so I could surprise the boys tomorrow. I was concerned I would feel sad however I did not. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding old step work that DB had done when he was a member of a 12 step group. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding confirmation again of who I know DB really is. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with reading admission after admission regarding his SA. My lack of sadness also had nothing to do with finding out that the GF is not someone he met in church like he told me but is in fact someone he has had a history with. I wasn't totally sure where my lack of sadness was coming from and I was not to motivated to dive into a whole over thinking session.

However I was just about to go to bed and I wondered if I would have odd dreams again. And then it hit me that my lack of sadness, my joy, my peace came from knowing that I truly tried my best with DB in fact I worked my ass off to save our marriage. Had DB been that man in my dream the ending would have been much different. He is not and that is okay in fact it is good.

Fear

I have much fear right now. DB is on his way in his new life. Settling down in his GF house, selling his vehicle to buy an even larger one to accommodate all the children. It would not shock me to learn that they have a baby on the way.

He is already picking her over the boys. He lied about an event that he was supposed to go to for my oldest school, he then forgot he lied so I knew he never had intentions on going. Apparently he needed to get her house ready for a party while my son had to share someone else special friend as he had no one there.

He is not working still.

I am completely alone in this state. My family is thousands of miles away. My mom is not healthy and it is all just falling apart there. Seriously their lives are about as complicated as mine.

I am terrified right now. I just don't think I can do this anymore. It is so awful to have to rely on him for anything and now he is becoming so unreliable. Truly the only thing he does is watch the kids when I am at work in the evenings. Other than that he is just holding up progress.

I am just terrified. I have never felt so alone and it is all just getting to me. All the hours I am working, juggling these fucking bills I just feel like it is all just going to explode any minute.

But here is the deal: I am fucking strong and I know that now. I can handle this and I will. I have faith today and when I don't I know how to get some. When I can't seem to take another step I see my babies or they say something amazing and somehow I remember that this life is full of unknowns, of beauty. And when I truly cannot find or don't want to find gratitude I realize that I am feeling, that I am walking through this motherfucker of a time in my life feeling it, growing, finding truth and finding me. It is slow and steady and I mostly do not like it but I know it has served a purpose and will lead me to places I couldn't have gone otherwise.

And if all that fails I still celebrate the peace in this house with that man gone. I celebrate the day I found out that I was living a lie and the same day choosing truth, choosing me.