Joy

My children stayed with the SAH last night. I slept in and got my hair done. I went to the store and realized that I was feeling joy and it must be evident as I was getting alot of attention. I used to get attention all the time when I was thin however I thought those days were over. I realized today that it is more to do with my attitude than my weight.

The joy I felt was such a relief. I am working hard on checking my motives, not running, keeping track of my feelings by acknowledging them and attempting to feel them. I am sticking to my boundaries with SAH. We have not spoken about anything other than the kids. I have had a few nice thoughts of him and for him lately, coupled with anger and hate. I am okay with that. I am just really trying to be in this moment. To breathe. To accept me. To love me. To be kind to me.

Self Discovery

I am trying to step back and just figure out how to find truth. I am attempting kindness especially towards myself.

My mom is dying and I truly hope for her sake she can go fast.

I have hate in my heart for my SAH. Eww I even hate calling him my husband.

I am sure I will visit grief again soon.

Truly I am trying to respect my own boundaries. I am not talking to him unless it is related to the kids and that is only via text.

I am scared as I think he wants to stop giving me money for the bills. Part of me wants to run to the lawyer and the other part just wants to slow down as I am always running always slamming the door and moving on to what is next. I can't keep doing that if I want to heal. Truth be told I have nothing to be afraid here. Our bills are our bills and there is no way around it.

So here I am with nothing but drama but at least none of it is self induced.

Grief

Full of grief today.

I went to see the healer (my therapist) and she observed that I was in the grief stage of all of this sex addiction crap. I know it sounds more like anger...

I am grieving so much of this marriage. Grieving the woman I was, the woman who fell in love with him, the woman I turned my back on in order to stay in a marriage that was devastating to me. I am grieving my husband, the man he was, the man I thought he was becoming. I am grieving every single time I have to interact with him as I witness the voluntary self destruction, the self loathing, the narcissism, the emptiness, the coldness, the vacancy.

Sex addiction seems to me to be far more powerful than any other addiction as it truly enables the addict to separate from reality. I witnessed this beast take pieces of my husband each and every day. And each and every day I witnessed my husband welcoming it, inviting it, embracing it.

Yes I agree I am grieving.