Thank God That is Over

So, Christmas was full of joy. It ended with DB driving at full speed into my yard with his GF and her 3 kids in his truck. Well it didn't really end there, insults flew and truly I thought he was going to hit me. I must admit I hoped he would as it would have at least been amusing in a very sick way to watch him get hauled off to jail.

Prior to this incredibly trashy episode he called and attempted to insert his drama into my day with my kids. I did not allow this and due to his annoying time sucking bullshit I also did not allow him to have the boys for the 5 hours we agreed on. I took my precious time back from him and stated he could come get them one hour later than previously planned. He did not like it hence the acting out on my lawn.

We have a court date soon. The tension is getting to us both I am sure.

For my side of all this I am just a mess. I go so far to the right then the left. So fast I don't even catch a glimpse of the middle. I am either blaming him totally or blaming myself for everything. I see now how much damage I did to myself living the way I did with him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I was before I met him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I am now as a result of this marriage and the lies and it is killing me. Having to parent with this man that is void of reason, consideration, morals and love is killing me. But more than all of that not taking appropriate and healthy responsibility for my life is killing me.

My children are acting out and totally suffering and I am pissed. I am pissed at me, at him and at the fucking world.

I still don't have a dime and I am barely paying the bills. He is still unemployed and not giving me a dime. His insurance is now gone and mine sucks. HOWEVER, I am finding a therapist for me and for my boys no matter what. I can no longer hope for the best. This situation is only going to get better if I get help for me and help for them. Every second of this is robbing me, is breaking me down even further and I will no longer allow it.

I am not a victim and I will prove it to myself.

I know I sound like I am a complete mess and I am. That is okay. For whatever reason I am here and I am living this life and I will find my way.

Can I just say with great reservation Happy New Year. :)

Sad Day/Hard Week

Today was my youngest son's christmas play and party at preschool. It was just adorable.

It was just so hard to be there though, so hard to see the parents, the husbands, the dads. So hard to wonder why. I was not in a good place. It was one of those days where I internalized DB's addiction and the mess of my life. A day where I wondered if I was better, smarter, prettier, less dark and complicated, came from a even almost functional family if just maybe it would not have turned out this way.

A day where I am totally convinced that my focus in life need never be on a relationship as I am clearly no good at them.

I was so sad.

This week has been tough which did not help.

My oldest had a play at school and I could not go as I had to work. DB took GF and her million children.

The day after my youngest son's teacher brought up my son's behavior and stated that it made so much more sense now that she saw DB with his GF's kids. Because GF has a child younger than my baby and DB seems to have really bonded with her baby it makes more sense that my son is needing more attention and feeling so insecure.

You know this just kills me. The hurt he causes my children is reprehensible. People are nice, they try to paint a pretty picture but here is the truth. What he is doing to my children is altering who they are, it is impacting their self esteem and it is changing their course in life. This is having a negative impact on two innocent children. His children.

I am just sad, exhausted and sad.

My Divorce

So DB wants to meet with me to go over our divorce and agree on everything because he needs to be divorced now.

I told him no. I explained that I did not want to fight but based on his behavior and my need to protect myself that I need my lawyer present.

He was very angry and threatened things. He then said it had been since summer and again he needed this done now.

I explained maybe his time would have been better spent trying to partner with me instead of isolating me.

I said I would no longer discuss this and that my lawyer has suggested we don't meet.

He is very angry which is fine as it is not my problem. I do have this really strong feeling that something is up. I mean it is a strong feeling. I don't know if he is up to something or if maybe something has happened but I know something is up.

I said it before and I will say again, it would not surprise me if GF is pregnant.

Can I just say I wish his energy was spent on finding a job instead of this.

Decisions

I filled out paperwork for my lawyer that has been on my table for a couple of months now.

I am just at a loss regarding employment as working 3-4 12 hour shifts is really hard with my boys.

I am also still having problems with DB as he is immature and makes poor decisions when it comes to the boys.

I could try to find a M-F job that would allow me more time with the boys. I am interested in mental health and that would be an option as there is a facility close by with those hours.

The hospital I am at now has an OR position open.

But here is my hangup I love what I am doing, I love the hospital, our patient population, management, my coworkers and what I was beginning to dislike has been taken care of. However it is robbing me. I work hard and I am not taking care of myself. The work one day then have the boys then work again then have them again is not working for any of us. I have considered grouping my days together but that gives them far too much time with DB.

I just go round and round and mind f it all to death.

So here is what I have been doing lately with it. Going to god, giving it to god and really trying to listen, then going again, giving it again and listening harder. I haven't allowed god in my life for so long that this is akward so I am aware the answer may be right in front of me yet I still don't know what to do. I go again to god and say man I just suck at not running the show can you help me out here? Be clear, be loud, can you be in my face god? I rest.

I am not really great at this stuff and I am finding it so hard to bounce back, the pain, the stress all of it is getting to me. I am so sick of change yet I know more is coming and I know it is needed. I just wish I could let go, I just wish I could let up on myself. This sucks and I don't like it however I will not give up. :)

Dreams

I had odd dreams last night. I can't remember them as vividly as I did this morning however I do remember one.

Dream: DB had an affair and was leaving me to be with her. I was much like I am now relieved to be done, grateful that god did for me what I did not have the courage to do for myself. And then time fast forwards and I am looking through his phone and at that moment I knew he had changed.

We go for a long walk with the whole family including his family and I tell him I want to get through this together. I want to look back and know that we went through horribly tough times but we didn't quit and we made it. We hugged and kissed and it felt like we were getting married all over again. It was truly a celebration and we were excited. I knew in the dream it was the right thing to be doing.

So much of this dream is just odd. First of all the man that was DB was not him, he did not feel like him, he looked like him only softer, I could feel his spirit, his character and it was not him. Secondly, I cannot stand his family. Truly his mother is so void of any redeeming quality it is repulsive. He is so her child.

Then there is the feelings I had when I woke. At first I was startled and nervous. I then realized I was alone and my boys were with DB at his GF house. So I was relieved and okay. Then I had this hope, this peace, this joy. I didn't spend much time thinking about it as I had a busy day ahead of me. I drank coffee and made a list of goals and dreams. I then got busy online working on classes for work.

Tonight I got all the holiday decorations out and put up the tree so I could surprise the boys tomorrow. I was concerned I would feel sad however I did not. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding old step work that DB had done when he was a member of a 12 step group. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding confirmation again of who I know DB really is. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with reading admission after admission regarding his SA. My lack of sadness also had nothing to do with finding out that the GF is not someone he met in church like he told me but is in fact someone he has had a history with. I wasn't totally sure where my lack of sadness was coming from and I was not to motivated to dive into a whole over thinking session.

However I was just about to go to bed and I wondered if I would have odd dreams again. And then it hit me that my lack of sadness, my joy, my peace came from knowing that I truly tried my best with DB in fact I worked my ass off to save our marriage. Had DB been that man in my dream the ending would have been much different. He is not and that is okay in fact it is good.

Fear

I have much fear right now. DB is on his way in his new life. Settling down in his GF house, selling his vehicle to buy an even larger one to accommodate all the children. It would not shock me to learn that they have a baby on the way.

He is already picking her over the boys. He lied about an event that he was supposed to go to for my oldest school, he then forgot he lied so I knew he never had intentions on going. Apparently he needed to get her house ready for a party while my son had to share someone else special friend as he had no one there.

He is not working still.

I am completely alone in this state. My family is thousands of miles away. My mom is not healthy and it is all just falling apart there. Seriously their lives are about as complicated as mine.

I am terrified right now. I just don't think I can do this anymore. It is so awful to have to rely on him for anything and now he is becoming so unreliable. Truly the only thing he does is watch the kids when I am at work in the evenings. Other than that he is just holding up progress.

I am just terrified. I have never felt so alone and it is all just getting to me. All the hours I am working, juggling these fucking bills I just feel like it is all just going to explode any minute.

But here is the deal: I am fucking strong and I know that now. I can handle this and I will. I have faith today and when I don't I know how to get some. When I can't seem to take another step I see my babies or they say something amazing and somehow I remember that this life is full of unknowns, of beauty. And when I truly cannot find or don't want to find gratitude I realize that I am feeling, that I am walking through this motherfucker of a time in my life feeling it, growing, finding truth and finding me. It is slow and steady and I mostly do not like it but I know it has served a purpose and will lead me to places I couldn't have gone otherwise.

And if all that fails I still celebrate the peace in this house with that man gone. I celebrate the day I found out that I was living a lie and the same day choosing truth, choosing me.

Just Breathe

It feels like change is happening at an unreasonable rate. I feel like I haven't even dealt with the initial change of DB moving out and us separating.

Now he is in love and moving in with his gf and her kids.

My children have spent two nights over there that I am aware of. Could be more as DB is not in the habit of truth telling.

I met her and she is nice. I feel sad for her, I feel like I have a bit of an idea of what her life may end up like. It makes me sad for her.

I could be wrong maybe it will be amazing, maybe he will find his way.

I hope for all of us that happens.

Just a week ago he was up to his old antics. Just a few days ago he was trying to convince me he has changed.

Interesting enough he does not have a good memory and stated that he hasn't fucked with me for weeks.

I of course reminded him of the timeline. I am not innocent in this and I know that.

He says he has been a monster, he says that this whole separation he has been saying how healthy he is and going on and on about how much he has grown and it is all a lie.

He says he has just only woke up.

He says he is sorry kind of. He has never been one for apologies.

Honestly all of this change and him being in love and my boys having a family with him and her and her children is just a bit much for me.

It is scary. I am terrified. I also realize that this move of his is somehow forcing me past the anger and back in the grief. Which is good for me. I no longer feel like it was all shit. I am able to look back on our time together and know that we were great at times. We laughed so much and he was my best friend for quite a few years. Not in the end, not in the last few years.

I don't want it back. I don't want him, I don't want to do the work I know we would have to do to make this work. Clearly I do not have a choice in that. However when I asked him to leave I knew that it was far more likely that he would embrace his addiction then me and our boys. I also was honest that I did not know if I loved him enough to want to work as hard as we would have to work.

I fell in love with him hard and I fell out of love with him just as hard.

I am still sad and I do miss some of our times together as a family. I look back and truly if we could go back before our second son was born and really work on it we maybe could have made it.

I also look back and see that I tried, that I reached for him but he was too far gone and he did not want to be reached.

I brought up my concerns, I asked him if he was happy. I suggested help. He did not want it and he always stated he was happy enough.

What is so so sad is that I was not happy and that was not a concern of mine. I want to say it was because I was in nursing school full time and a stay at home mom. I kept pushing it away. I could not think of it when my baby was battling health issues or this semester is so hard. I will deal with it later when I am done with school. Once I was done it was the new job. I just continued to put myself at the bottom of the list. I found myself truly and honestly expressing my disdain for my marriage and my husband and it was so uncomfortable I literally began lying about how I felt about him.

Wow. Yes I am sad for her. I was strong when I met him and I am not blaming him for my demise it was just the perfect combination for me to live in a total lie and to turn my back on myself.

I told him the other day that things were moving to fast. That I needed a second to catch up to breathe. Bullshit! I need to wake up, I need to put me first. I am still lost and yes all those years of self loathing has taken a toll. However only I can change that.

Clarity

Clarity god how I need it.

DB is just not letting up on his games. I feel like I am going to just lose my mind.

Seriously, how long is this going to last we have been seperated for almost 7 months and he is still so awful. He is using the kids to mess with me. He says he is pulling my oldest out of the private school. He goes to the private school cause we are in a terrible district. OMG he is in fucking kindergarten are you kidding me.

You know what - I get it, my focus is supposed to be on me but what I am supposed to do with all this. How do I fight this sick, sick, self serving, cruel man who uses my children as pawns.

It just doesn't end, he never quits.

The thought of my baby switching schools in the middle of this ugly divorce just makes me sick. Especially when it is all thrown at me as a threat. If I don't give up more of my time with them then he will take them out of school.

I am calling my lawyer tomorrow but I seriously don't know how I can keep doing this. I just can't live like this.

I am so grateful for my children but I totally regret the day I ever laid eyes on this monster.

I feel so bad for my kids they are so confused. I am so scared of them getting damaged by this, by him.

My oldest drew a family picture, it was of me and him and his baby brother. They told me that we should move to California where my family is and that it is alright if they don't see their dad.

They are babies and they know, they know who he is.

I am so sad and I am so scared of what he will do next.

I am just going to pray and cry and pray and cry. Okay seriously I am begging now for some answers, some hope, something to hold on to.

Waking Up

I decided yesterday after a long day at work that I would not pick up an extra shift. I have been working so many extra days just to try to pay all the bills since DB is not contributing.

I couldn't do it today. The thought of going in there made me sick. Not because I don't like my job as I love it. It was simply because I needed a day for me.

The boys are with DB.

I slept until a bit after 9am. I had amazing dreams. My first awareness this morning was this overwhelming feeling of hope and gratitude.

The weather here is amazing and will continue the whole weekend. I decided yesterday that I would not work today and that I would spend the entire day on the couch even though I love the outdoors and would normally do anything I could to be outside. I have been so tired from all the work and of course the long drawn out death of my favorite patient.

However, I decided before my feet even hit the floor this morning that I would go to the lake for a long walk.

I made coffee and prayed a bit. I asked for guidance regarding my divorce and the time DB spends with the children. I let go.

I sobbed this morning not because I am sad but because I am feeling hope and excitement. I am letting go and it is giving me so much freedom. I feel this huge amount of faith in a higher power that I have not allowed in my life for years. I actually prayed daily this week and I can honestly say I haven't done that in years. I am humble and I feel the universe in my life. I feel this strange dichotomy between the reality of the last six months and this abundance of faith, hope and truth. I do feel the hurt and I still feel wounded however it just is not defining me at this moment.

No, I would not wish this experience on anyone. I need all the tools I can get my hands on to deal with DB. I am sure anyone who is involved with an SA says or feels like if it were just the sex it would be so much easier. The sex is nothing compared to the craziness. However it is my turn now and I truly believe that the more my focus is on me and my growth the more tools I will have available. He will not go away, we have children together and while that thought in the past practically made me suicidal or homicidal I now know that I am growing and that I am doing this. This is not a life sentence attached to him.

This experience is making me a better person and I am grateful.

Feeling Lighter

Last night the boys and I went shopping and I was delighted to find Christmas stuff out already. I totally had a touch of sadness thinking of putting the tree up and going through all the decorations and not talking about the memories with my husband like we usually do. And then I felt excitement and freedom.

The boys and I picked out a few things and I just had hope.

I feel like my faith is strengthening and I am feeling lighter.

Of course DB has a radar for these things so as soon as I got home the texts began and all his nonsense started.

For a second I felt sorry for myself and then I decided to live in the moment, to be true to myself and to let go.

It was total nonsense and it wasn't worth it. He texted all day again and I just ignored him. I spoke to the boys tonight and then got off the phone with him without being rude.

If I want freedom I have to make it happen now. He is not going to change. I am. My expectations are changing and I will learn to adapt and be flexible to whatever he throws at me. As he no longer has power over me. And when it feels like this situation is suffocating me I will look at me.

I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my babies.

Needed a Laugh Today

This is just wrong. :)

Honor

I had the honor of taking care of an incredibly kind and gentle man for the last nine months.

He has lived in a bed for the last year and 13 days. His breaths were supported through a machine that would help his lungs inflate and even breathe for him when he couldn't.

His nutrition came from a tube in his stomach.

He had not walked for a year and 13 days.

He left his room with nurses only a few times in that year and 13 days.

His wife was unable to visit as she was living in a long term care facility.

His family rarely came.

They were both in their 50's.

He could not talk.

He could not write as his hands were contracting from lack of use.

He rarely had the energy to do his exercises.

I learned how to be a nurse with him.

I took care of him often.

He had this amazing smile and his adorable laugh made the world go round.

In the year and 13 days he never complained.

He never snapped at us.

He rarely asked for much.

He went through a new team of eager young doctors and students every month.

He allowed new nurses to learn skills on him.

He once and only once told me he wanted to eat.

He held on.

He did not want to die.

He fought and battled.

A battle all of us knew he would never win.

We fought for him.

We fought the doctors, the system even other nurses for him.

We rallied around him and we were his voice.

We loved him.

Last week he decided he was done. He no longer wanted to fight.

Today I had the honor of touching that beautiful face of his and watching him take his last breath.

The honor to see his family all together.

To know that he did not die alone.

To know that I got to thank him for all that he did for me.

I am so honored to be a part of his life and death.

Truth

Today I live in truth. I no longer need to concentrate on the past and the lies that I lived. Today I live in truth.

Today I see obstacles for what they are - just obstacles. They may be temporary, there may be a solution, they maybe permanent with no solution however they are just obstacles. They are not personal attacks on me, they are not the sum of me.

Today I live in truth.

Today I see myself with eyes wide open. I see my potential good and not so good. But mostly I see a woman that is capable and strong that is living in truth. Finding her way and falling in love with life and herself again.

Today I live in truth.

I am so grateful.

The Fog

I feel like I am still in the fog. This life of mine has moved so quickly and has been such a shock I just still feel unclear.

Living and sharing life and children with an SA is incredibly confusing. Divorcing and sharing children with an SA is still confusing.

I choose for so many years to live this lie that I still find almost 6 months out that truth escapes me. My truth. I am getting there however it is slow.

I am beginning to see how responsible I feel for it all. In my attempt to let go of him and his shit I see how having such a tight rein on everything led to such failure for me. I am still under that delusion that I actually could have controlled him or the outcome of my marriage. That I actually control anything or that I would want to control anything right now is just ridiculous.

I feel like such a failure in this all. I am so brokenhearted for myself, for my children. I feel like it was all me. I keep hoping that he wakes up, he finally accepts responsibility and owns what he has done. Not because I want him back, not because I want an apology, not to mend any thing in any way. But to let me off the hook. For him to tell me it wasn't my fault, for him to reassure me of who I am. To know that it was him, that he is the broken one. For him to validate all those years of holding on to the lie, to validate that yes there was a need to control him and all that energy I expended was not for nothing. For him to save me from this life I have to lead now where I can't escape truth, where I can't control, where every maladaptive coping mechanism has been ripped from me and here I am totally vulnerable.

Yes, I want him to fall on his knees in front of me and beg me to know that it was him. Humiliated and remorseful.

This story ends with only one of us on our knees and it is not him.

I am catching glimpses of the fog lifting. It is beautiful and I am grateful.

Doctor

I went to the doctor yesterday. He was incredibly compassionate and even amusing.

I told him what my life has been like the last 6 months. I think I would have been fine if DB didn't get laid off. I was having moments of true joy. Now I am in hell.

The DR was kind he laughed, he made me laugh, he asked me if I know that mostly life sucked and that we get brief moments of bliss. He said I could not enjoy the bliss. That there was little bliss in my life but that I couldn't enjoy it if it was there.

He spoke of some research he is reading. He explained some things to me about neurotransmitters and why sociopaths do what they do, he then explained it in terms of SA and addiction in general. He also drew in interesting picture of personality disorders and why people with all of these issue love to hook up. How they are actually feeding off of each other in a chemical way. How ones neurotransmitter not firing actually can make a partners fire in all the sick ways she wants it to. It was interesting. It was sad.

I really liked him, he was down to earth and truly validated this deep, dark fucking hole I am stuck in. I felt relief. I felt a tiny amount of hope for me.

Some temporary hope came when I thought of somehow getting this information to DB and then realizing at the pivotal moment that this was about me. I need help, I need to care for me.

He has his own path that is no longer anywhere near mine.

I felt relief.

The Hurt

I am an angry person, dark, sarcastic and I love truth. No matter how ugly it is I love truth.

I have focused on much of my anger here.

I feel the need to put it out there so that it is never misunderstood. I am devastated by what has happened to my family. I have been completely and totally ripped apart by my husband.

While I was extremely unhappy in our marriage and was unwilling to be honest with myself about that, I never deserved all of this.

The humiliation, the fears, the unanswered questions, the lies, the rage, the avoidance, the craziness, the doubts, the insecurities.

All of it has turned me inside out. He has turned me inside out. He has torn apart my children first with the rage and avoidance while he lived here, leaving and then putting me through so much shit on a daily basis during this ugly divorce. They have watched him rip me apart over and over again.

I have told him in the past that I believe he is broken. I know it is cruel but he is broken. Anyone that would do all of this to his family is broken. He chooses to not fix himself.

Okay I am Pissed

As I stated in my earlier post my husband has a new girlfriend.

On so many levels this is wrong to me. And I am pissed.

I would like to blame my anger on my need to protect my children and my exhaustion from damage control. However I am pissed for so many reasons.

First of all my husband DB is a sex addict. He disagrees with this. He is positive that I was the problem. Having said that he has had two moments of true honesty with me since I figured out what was going on.

On the first occasion he admitted to not being able to function as a dad and husband. It was too much and he was too weak.

On the second occasion he admitted to having a problem with sexual addiction as far back as childhood. He cited specific examples in his childhood, teenage years and twenties.

He also admitted to feeling a ton of fear as he felt he was escalating. He was now contacting couples and was open to sex with men. Although he maintains he has never had sex with anyone while we were together. He felt like he could actually do it now that I knew. The damage was done so why not.

He admitted many other things but those are some of what I cannot get out of my head.

So here is the deal. He has been seeing this girl or is in what he calls a serious relationship with this girl for four weeks. He has been unemployed for five weeks. She has three children the youngest is two.

Back when I found out what he was doing and what he was willing to do I asked him to leave. I did ask him to get help as well, however I knew nothing would come of it. I did not want to make it work. I did not have the energy, nor the love to go through recovery with him. However I did not realize I really didn't have a choice as recovery was not an option.

So now here he is cured and in love. He couldn't handle the family he actually established how can he handle someone elses children. He put his boys through hell and is fine with allowing them to get close to a woman he has been with for a fucking month.

He spent months fucking with me every chance he got yet he has grown, he has evolved.

Okay I am even pissed at her and I don't even know her. But how the fuck could she allow an unemployed, married, father of two that she has know for a month around her babies. Oh my god that just sends me into a rage.

Honestly, I don't even like him around my children imagine what kind of damage she will do.

Seriously, this is just such a fucked up situation.

I keep wanting to call him and ask him questions, argue or whatever but I don't because it is not worth it, he is not worth it. I just have to stand strong and protect my boys.

Truly, this woman who clearly has no self respect will go away hopefully before too much damage is done and then there will be a new one. Although he is pretty good about keeping the lie alive around seven years. He is escalating though so it may take less. I just hope between the two of them they only hurt each other and not the kids, all five of them. :)

Maybe It Is Me

I spent the morning with my soon to be ex as our son had a surgery. My baby got through everything great.

However I figured out last night that my husband is seeing someone and again he is bringing the boys around her. She has three kids and they have been seeing each other for a month.

It is serious he says, it is not dating, it is a relationship he says. After a month.

You can imagine my response. I was honest, I was cruel. I made sure he knew that I was being honest and that my cruelty was my truth.

I explained that all that he has done gets him exactly this.

He said I was the mother he had always hoped for for his children. I told him I wished I felt that way about him.

I do not. Many of my days are spent doing damage control or making up for where he falls short.

I do feel all of that however tonight I began looking back. I am beginning to wonder if I am angry and bitter for all the wrong reasons. Sure he did tons of damage, sure he lacks most things that are needed to be a decent human being.

But here is the deal. I stayed. I did not even question my love for him. Well, my lack of love. I knew that how I felt about him was not how I wanted to feel for my husband. I choose to focus on school and the kids. I did everything in my power to stay away from him. It is interesting that I did not magically get better the second he left. Maybe that is because I am at the center of all the anger, all the bitterness.

I told him today that he never contributed to making me a more healthy person. That he made my life worse. His got substantially better the second we got serious. I told him that I was damaged and lost faith in humanity because of him.

Wow. I am not so sure about that. Yes, he is disgusting and no he is not a decent man. He is broken and lacks most characteristics that I would want for the father of my babies. However, I am the one that put up with all that shit. I choose to ignore who he was so I could have security. I choose to compromise my values so we could keep our family together. I am the one who sits here today taking no action to better my life, holding onto lies and he is gone.

Maybe it is time for me to take a deeper look at me.

Stuck In The Mud

I heard this expression recently and while I thought it sounded a bit on the red neck side - I totally related. This is exactly how I feel.

I don't want to be stuck. I see what is around me and I want it. I want to fulfill my dreams, to live my life. However I am stuck in the mud.

No matter how badly I want out, I am stuck. I am unable to move.

Twice in my life I have been stuck in the mud like this. The first time centered around my dads death.

The second centered around my baby's health crisis that lasted far too long and began at his birth.

Both times I had to take medication. Both times I went off it.

I am going to the doctor on Tuesday.

I have tried again and again to pull myself out of this and I am still stuck.

I do not want medication however it is absolutely necessary.

I just can't stand here in the mud watching my life pass. I want to live my life, I want to be true to myself, I want to be all the things I know I can be however I cannot do that stuck in the mud.

Today Is Dark

I woke up this morning to my baby, his happy little voice. I could tell he was well rested and felt good. He was talkative. He knew he had slept long enough by how the light was trying to peep through the curtains.

I knew I had overslept.

I got the boys ready for school. They were loving and cute and I wonder if my life would have purpose if they were not here.

I think I have risen above much of my shit because of them. I wonder if I would have been strong enough without them.

They force me to live better, to walk through fear and to never give up on finding my truth.

Yes the day was trying to show itself through the curtains however it is still cloudy.

It is a day of silence, to take care of things I have been putting off.

A day to recognize the darkness and admire that the light is still showing itself.

I am grateful.

Seriously Bitter

Yep, that is me. Seriously bitter. I hear things about marriage, engagement, love, family and my eyes roll in my head and I swear my head is going to spin off and knock someone out.

I am bitter. I do not believe in any of it at this moment. I don't have to believe in it. If you have found love good for you. Embrace it.

As for me, I believe in me.

I believe in the love I have for my amazing boys and the love they have for me. I believe in my flawed family. I believe in me.

I believe I married a man that has no conscience, I believe I married a man that does not love me and may never have, I believe I married a man that is incapable of putting others first, I no longer believe that he is good underneath all this sickness. He is not good nor does he want to be good.

I believe in me. Someday this divorce will be complete and I will move on. Until then I reserve the right to be bitter, to not even acknowledge love and I will heal.

I believe in me.

Still Lying

To myself, still lying to myself. How could I still be here, still running from truth. I am so fearful of living, of digging in, of feeling.

I feel so broken so mentally ill. The worst has happened, I have ran, I have choose lies over truth, security over living, hate over love yet I am still afraid.

Am I so ill that I will never truly accept that I am the one that does the most damage. That I have nothing to fear any longer. I am slowly killing myself, shitting all over my future, my dreams, my desire. I have already killed my passion, my hope.

But here is the fucked up thing. Will I always be like this; miserable, emotionally stunted, dark, destructive, hopeless. Or will I experience freedom, freedom from me.

Can I get better, can I do it on my own. How can I be so strong with the external yet so weak with the visceral.

I don't have answers, I don't know how I will get through this. I don't know if things will get better, they have been bad for quite some time.

I am tired, I can't give up and I won't. Fuck I want to.

The Spoken Word

I have decided that the spoken word sucks.

Here is my thinking. At this moment my life is a fucking train wreck and it just keeps on giving. However I know that many, many people go through what I am going through and more.

I love to hear peoples experiences, their messy lives. I love to hear how they survived it all, the fucked up coping skills they used or the humor.

You don't get that in a conversation unless you have created a strong bond with the person and by that time you already know all their shit.

This is why I love books and film. You can fucking taste the emotion behind the experience, you can literally feel the struggle, the fight, the fuck whatever it may be.

We do not converse in a manner that tells a story.

Years from now some poor fucked up girl will hear me commenting on this time in my life and she will perk up with hope waiting to identify only to be disappointed. I will sweep it away, minimize it to a time in my life that was hard.

I will not do justice to the darkness I live in, the pain, the hopelessness I feel, the fear I have for my brokenhearted children.

I will be on the other side of it, I will have removed myself from it. I will have already overcome it.

We truly miss out on so much experience by not telling our stories, by not listening.

Alive

I am beginning to feel alive. I had two days were I actually felt joy. I am beginning to feel comfortable in my body. I seriously thought today that I wish the happiness would go now as I just know it can't last long and I am so afraid of feeling the pain.

My visit to notheren California played a huge role in this peace. I was actually free of the drama, I stepped so far away from the pain. I finally saw how awful this all is. How hurt I truly am. How deeply I hurt for myself and for my babies. How amazing it is that we are making this work. That my boys are so strong and so kind and loving. That perfect strangers can teach and love and truly make a difference. That this life is harsh and ugly and so tough to navigate through. That I am strong, so strong. I am strong enough to get me through this and more importantly I will get my boys through this.

He was never strong. Never.

Free

I can't move from the feelings. I can't stop the tears. They are constant lately. I feel like they stop me from breaking through, from experiencing true freedom.

Then I sit, I am quiet, I feel and I know freedom will come once I honor my truth. I am flooded with feelings as I have been hiding for so long. I have ran from them, buried them, raged at them, and spent far too long checked out. Now they won't stop. I welcome them, I am free. They terrify me, they seem stronger than me yet I am free.

Agoraphobia

I feel like I have become agoraphobic

I am not trapped in a house

I am trapped inside of me

Not trapped for fear of a panic attack no I am trapped for fear of feeling

Of being flooded with emotions that I do not acknowledge

I have built my own bunker right inside of me, I am safe yet I am trapped, alone, surrounded by concrete walls and eating fucking canned food, barely living - totally surviving

Is this my life, will I live like this forever

Will I ever take a breath of fresh air, will I smile and laugh and feel joy, will I go after my desires

Will I breathe again

Resentment

I am so resentful. Truly not much that I do not resent at this moment. I resent being clean, how I would love to drown in a bottle of something. I won't. I will stay here with my anger raw and powerful. I will stay here and feel my vulnerability. I will stay here in this self pity that is fucking suffocating me. I will stay here in this hate. I will stay in this truth, the knowledge that I have to protect myself from him and from me.

See that is my dilemma; after all of these years of recovery, of working on myself to the point of fucking nausea I am still fucked up. So if I am still fucked up would it matter if I was able to have a little escape, a fucking reprieve. I don't know the answer and I am comfortable questioning it all without taking action. I will continue to sit here in my life, I will continue to try to feel and accept and somehow be gracious. I will continue to have truth no matter the cost. I will continue to grow. And maybe I will find some peace somewhere.

Am I Breathing

I have never been emotionally mature. Feelings are a chore for me. All the work I have done in my own recovery and on myself has all centered around the fact that I am not interested in feelings. Hell my own addiction fed off this fact.

So here I am in the storm and I feel like I am drowning most of the time. I am so overwhelmed at the task of simply acknowledging my feelings that I often just shut down and trudge ahead. Add the crazy fucking X (whom I have renamed DB) and I just can't keep my head above water. I need a break from the insanity.

However I know the break will only come after I have done the work.

I am so tired.

Clarity

My thoughts bounce all over. I struggle with what is right, what is healthy and what is easier. I sit here in awe that my life, my children's life has come down to this. This fight, a fight that may be necessary and may not be. I don't know anymore. I know it wasn't supposed to be like this. I know that I shouldn't have to wonder if my children are better off with or without their father. I know that now there are two more people in the mix of this that are going to complicate things. I hate that I have to trust a professional to watch out for me and my babies. I hate that money is driving much of this fight, his fight.

I hate that my husband shows me on a consistent basis that who he chooses to be is not who I want to father my children. A bit late for that isn't it. So what do I do, how do I go on from here. I take each day as it comes and I often think in each situation with him that there is no going back from here. Well here we are again yet another defining moment that alters every second of my tomorrow of my babies tomorrow. He is gone, the man I married is gone rarely even a small glimpse can be seen. Does he know how close he is to losing it all, does he care?

He truly appears to not care. I know he does not care about me and that is fine. I can accept that at this point. Honestly it is refreshing to not have to tolerate his over compensating when it comes to his feelings about me.

However here is my dilemma, I care. I care about many things. I put my children first, I will sacrifice to do the right thing. So what do I do, do I take the advice given? How do I make a decision like this? How do I feel okay either way? I have no idea where he is headed, what impact he will have. I should probably assume he will only get worse. Will he hurt them, will he hurt them just to hurt me. Just two weeks ago he said he would drive away with them. I keep operating like this man is the man I married and he is not.

Seriously what do I do...

Insane

I haven't blogged much lately.

I had a week that was full of crazy making the SAH. It was so exhausting and lasted far too long. I let it take up so much time that I am honestly behind on many things. My poor children get to be right in the middle of it all.

I will cut to the end as you all can just insert DRAMA, sex addiction, a codie and you know how it goes. The end is that he filed which really pissed me off on so many levels. He wants 50/50 on the kids. He has never made a decision when it comes to our children and I mean never. He wants us to split our debt 50/50 which is nuts. He makes $15 more that I do an hour. And he has no right to file I should have had that joy - I think. And then the realization that I am stuck with this jackass for the rest of my babies lives just about made me totally lose it. The thought of listening to his lies and having my children affected by his insanity was just so much.

However I am now fine with it. I do not believe that any judge would give him 50/50 as far as the babies go nor let him make decisions. I am not a victim and I have a job that I can pick up shifts whenever I want for extra cash. I will make it fincancially and I will provide for myself and my children.

So he was truly nuts for a good week there - it was awful. So awful I seriously considered getting an ex parte to keep him away from the kids. My lawyer said that was an option as his behavior was that erratic. Now this week he bought me a fucking lawn mower. Really, a lawn mower. He even mowed the yard.

So now I wait, wait for the next round, wait for whatever truth or hideous action he is trying to cover up or mow over. :)

I don't want a lawn mower, I want peace.

I need to find a meeting to go to - it is so easy to just survive right now as that is truly about all I feel capable of. I haven't gone to my therapist as my insurance is fighting covering it. I haven't picked up any of my workbooks. I have just been drowning in a murky lake that I clearly jumped right in knowing exactly what would happen. Amazing how quickly I got off track.

At least I don't have to mow the lawn. Hey maybe he will buy me a new washer and dryer and he can wash the heeps of laundry I keep ignoring.

Joy

My children stayed with the SAH last night. I slept in and got my hair done. I went to the store and realized that I was feeling joy and it must be evident as I was getting alot of attention. I used to get attention all the time when I was thin however I thought those days were over. I realized today that it is more to do with my attitude than my weight.

The joy I felt was such a relief. I am working hard on checking my motives, not running, keeping track of my feelings by acknowledging them and attempting to feel them. I am sticking to my boundaries with SAH. We have not spoken about anything other than the kids. I have had a few nice thoughts of him and for him lately, coupled with anger and hate. I am okay with that. I am just really trying to be in this moment. To breathe. To accept me. To love me. To be kind to me.

Self Discovery

I am trying to step back and just figure out how to find truth. I am attempting kindness especially towards myself.

My mom is dying and I truly hope for her sake she can go fast.

I have hate in my heart for my SAH. Eww I even hate calling him my husband.

I am sure I will visit grief again soon.

Truly I am trying to respect my own boundaries. I am not talking to him unless it is related to the kids and that is only via text.

I am scared as I think he wants to stop giving me money for the bills. Part of me wants to run to the lawyer and the other part just wants to slow down as I am always running always slamming the door and moving on to what is next. I can't keep doing that if I want to heal. Truth be told I have nothing to be afraid here. Our bills are our bills and there is no way around it.

So here I am with nothing but drama but at least none of it is self induced.

Grief

Full of grief today.

I went to see the healer (my therapist) and she observed that I was in the grief stage of all of this sex addiction crap. I know it sounds more like anger...

I am grieving so much of this marriage. Grieving the woman I was, the woman who fell in love with him, the woman I turned my back on in order to stay in a marriage that was devastating to me. I am grieving my husband, the man he was, the man I thought he was becoming. I am grieving every single time I have to interact with him as I witness the voluntary self destruction, the self loathing, the narcissism, the emptiness, the coldness, the vacancy.

Sex addiction seems to me to be far more powerful than any other addiction as it truly enables the addict to separate from reality. I witnessed this beast take pieces of my husband each and every day. And each and every day I witnessed my husband welcoming it, inviting it, embracing it.

Yes I agree I am grieving.

My First Love

My first love is dead. Just found out today. He was my fantasy for a good part of my adult life. I actually just let that fantasy go in the last 6 months. But I still love him and am so grateful to him.

He knew I was down a few months back and he took a ride on his motorcycle and recorded it for me so I could feel like I was taking a ride in Thailand.

I love him and am so incredibly sad he is gone.

Today

Today I was so sad. So frustrated, so heartbroken, so angry.

I went to see my therapist and was given many powerful suggerstions that I am so willing to do.

My SAH and I fought all day. I truly hate him today.

My children and I instituted a family meeting where we talk about our feelings.

Interesting enough my baby (almost 3) said in a very flat voice he does not miss his dad nor does he mind that he left our house.

My 5 year old is sad and wants a nintendo. :)

I shared with them that I was sad today and why.

I will now journal (in ink) about my feelings. YUCK!

I Am Not Comfortable

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I mean I feel like I could just jump out of myself. Well I wish I could. I am constantly looking to tomorrow to be comfortable, to believe, to hope, to be happy, to be kind and true to myself. Tomorrow comes and I am still uncomfortable.

Hiding

I am in hiding. I am so detached I am not clear what I am hiding from.

I am hiding from him.

The him I married

The him he became

The him he is trying to be

I am hiding

Hiding from me

The Me I AM

The me I once was

The Me I Am

The me I want to be

Oh let us repeat that

I am hiding from the me I want to be

I am scared of her

I am scared of who I was

I am scared of who I am

Deep down I bury myself in this misery

I use it like a blanket that I have loved

A blanket that has kept me warm for many years

It needs washing

It has holes

It isn't soft

I use it daily

I use it to hide

I can't name much that I am NOT hiding from

No Control

I think what messes with me the most is my complete and total lack of control. My SAH is nuts, my children are completly impacted and I can't do anything about any of it.

Here I am. I am trying to mind my business. I am trying to let go, stay away from what he is doing or not doing. It is hard however I can no longer take part in this drama. This is his choice not mine so I am removing myself entirely.

He keeps saying stuff to engage me in conversation regarding our relationship or his addiction, I respond enough to not be rude. I don't want to talk about it.

There is nothing to talk about. He won't get help, I am done! There is no us until there is a whole him and a whole me and we got a long ways to go. He won't even begin to heal and I am dabbling in it at this point. I am trying however I seem to waiver and fall back on my maladaptive skills. They are so easy to use. I have another appointment with the therapist this weekend at least that is healthy.

Well at this point I only expect to continue to battle myself, to go back and forth between healthy and self destructive so whatever here I am.

Courage Required

I am not one of those women that enjoy self help books, taking about all my issues, romance, or even feelings for that matter. I am strong in many ways however I am a coward when it comes to feeling. I lived most of my life running from adversity. I was not taught how to deal or cope with life, I was taught how to avoid it. This was not a choice for me in my younger years. My family was incredibly fucked up, addicted, avoidance junkies, and neglectful. I however left early and continued on the same path in many ways. I used drugs, sex and geographical changes to alter my reality.

Clearly I still struggle with some of these core issues that I have always relied on to survive.

I can no longer continue on this path, it is far to painful. I fear it will end me, I fear I will pass this shit all on to my babies.

I am unwilling to continue on this path. I will do self help, I will talk about my issues, I am in therapy and I will learn to feel with out self destructing.

My husband who I will from now on refer to as SAH (sex addict husband) is unwilling to get help. He does not want to stop. He won't stop for himself and finds no motivation in his love for his children. I can no longer allow him to impact me and my life. I can no longer blame him for my misery.

This is my journey.

Easter Sunday

The night before easter my boys were up all night so around 8am I asked my husband to get up so I could get some sleep. He did.

I woke a couple hours later to an empty house. I got online to check some e-mails and for some reason I decided to snoop, to check the history. I clicked on a obvious adult matchmaking website that my husband had been on and discovered 32 e-mails my husband had sent from 8-9am to various women asking for no strings attached sex. He had a picture of himself from the chin down on his profile along with his cell phone number. His profile said he was seperated and that he did not care about looks he just wanted some fun.

I lost my mind that day. I found myself that day.

I called the only people that I truly valued and got a plan together. I called a battered womens shelter to complete my plan. I found a lawyer. It was Sunday and a few hours later my husband and my children arrived home. I pretended for the next 3 days that I didn't know a thing.

That evening my husband suggested we get a family potrait done. He expressed his love for me and talked about a family vacation. He got on the internet.

I had to work the next day so off I went to pretend some more.

That evening was much a the same. He sees us as a happy family and he got on the internet. Meanwhile I collected evidence and secured the evidence. I gathered my children's records and all of my important papers. I hid a bag of clothes for all of us. And I waited and listened to more of his lies, more of his sickness.

I was so disgusted by him. I began sleeping in my clothes, I couldn't stand the thought of touching him.

I finally went to the lawyer and he suggested I wait to confront him. He wanted me to collect more evidence. I couldn't do it. I was scared as the man I loved was clearly living 2 lives, I didn't know what he would do. I thought he may hurt us which is why I was prepared for that.

When I confronted him I told him I had proof, I told him the lawyer had copies of all of it including all of our important documents. I told him I was done.

He blamed me, blamed the children, blamed the lack of sex, blamed the debt, blamed me quitting my job and going to school. He blamed everything outside of himself. He had no accountability.

I thought before that moment that I couldn't be more disgusted. I was wrong. I was so repulsed by this man. I did not even recognize him. I felt like I was choking. Choking on all of the lies I had told myself over the past few years. The lies that I needed to believe in order to stay in this marriage. This marriage that was empty, this marriage that made my days of being single seem so full no not lonely. I choked on the fact that I was now married to man I did not know. That my life was one big fucking lie. Choking on the fear of what would happen to my babies. Choking on the thought of having to see them, of having to pretend some more.