Alive

I am beginning to feel alive. I had two days were I actually felt joy. I am beginning to feel comfortable in my body. I seriously thought today that I wish the happiness would go now as I just know it can't last long and I am so afraid of feeling the pain.

My visit to notheren California played a huge role in this peace. I was actually free of the drama, I stepped so far away from the pain. I finally saw how awful this all is. How hurt I truly am. How deeply I hurt for myself and for my babies. How amazing it is that we are making this work. That my boys are so strong and so kind and loving. That perfect strangers can teach and love and truly make a difference. That this life is harsh and ugly and so tough to navigate through. That I am strong, so strong. I am strong enough to get me through this and more importantly I will get my boys through this.

He was never strong. Never.

Free

I can't move from the feelings. I can't stop the tears. They are constant lately. I feel like they stop me from breaking through, from experiencing true freedom.

Then I sit, I am quiet, I feel and I know freedom will come once I honor my truth. I am flooded with feelings as I have been hiding for so long. I have ran from them, buried them, raged at them, and spent far too long checked out. Now they won't stop. I welcome them, I am free. They terrify me, they seem stronger than me yet I am free.

Agoraphobia

I feel like I have become agoraphobic

I am not trapped in a house

I am trapped inside of me

Not trapped for fear of a panic attack no I am trapped for fear of feeling

Of being flooded with emotions that I do not acknowledge

I have built my own bunker right inside of me, I am safe yet I am trapped, alone, surrounded by concrete walls and eating fucking canned food, barely living - totally surviving

Is this my life, will I live like this forever

Will I ever take a breath of fresh air, will I smile and laugh and feel joy, will I go after my desires

Will I breathe again

Resentment

I am so resentful. Truly not much that I do not resent at this moment. I resent being clean, how I would love to drown in a bottle of something. I won't. I will stay here with my anger raw and powerful. I will stay here and feel my vulnerability. I will stay here in this self pity that is fucking suffocating me. I will stay here in this hate. I will stay in this truth, the knowledge that I have to protect myself from him and from me.

See that is my dilemma; after all of these years of recovery, of working on myself to the point of fucking nausea I am still fucked up. So if I am still fucked up would it matter if I was able to have a little escape, a fucking reprieve. I don't know the answer and I am comfortable questioning it all without taking action. I will continue to sit here in my life, I will continue to try to feel and accept and somehow be gracious. I will continue to have truth no matter the cost. I will continue to grow. And maybe I will find some peace somewhere.