Just Breathe

It feels like change is happening at an unreasonable rate. I feel like I haven't even dealt with the initial change of DB moving out and us separating.

Now he is in love and moving in with his gf and her kids.

My children have spent two nights over there that I am aware of. Could be more as DB is not in the habit of truth telling.

I met her and she is nice. I feel sad for her, I feel like I have a bit of an idea of what her life may end up like. It makes me sad for her.

I could be wrong maybe it will be amazing, maybe he will find his way.

I hope for all of us that happens.

Just a week ago he was up to his old antics. Just a few days ago he was trying to convince me he has changed.

Interesting enough he does not have a good memory and stated that he hasn't fucked with me for weeks.

I of course reminded him of the timeline. I am not innocent in this and I know that.

He says he has been a monster, he says that this whole separation he has been saying how healthy he is and going on and on about how much he has grown and it is all a lie.

He says he has just only woke up.

He says he is sorry kind of. He has never been one for apologies.

Honestly all of this change and him being in love and my boys having a family with him and her and her children is just a bit much for me.

It is scary. I am terrified. I also realize that this move of his is somehow forcing me past the anger and back in the grief. Which is good for me. I no longer feel like it was all shit. I am able to look back on our time together and know that we were great at times. We laughed so much and he was my best friend for quite a few years. Not in the end, not in the last few years.

I don't want it back. I don't want him, I don't want to do the work I know we would have to do to make this work. Clearly I do not have a choice in that. However when I asked him to leave I knew that it was far more likely that he would embrace his addiction then me and our boys. I also was honest that I did not know if I loved him enough to want to work as hard as we would have to work.

I fell in love with him hard and I fell out of love with him just as hard.

I am still sad and I do miss some of our times together as a family. I look back and truly if we could go back before our second son was born and really work on it we maybe could have made it.

I also look back and see that I tried, that I reached for him but he was too far gone and he did not want to be reached.

I brought up my concerns, I asked him if he was happy. I suggested help. He did not want it and he always stated he was happy enough.

What is so so sad is that I was not happy and that was not a concern of mine. I want to say it was because I was in nursing school full time and a stay at home mom. I kept pushing it away. I could not think of it when my baby was battling health issues or this semester is so hard. I will deal with it later when I am done with school. Once I was done it was the new job. I just continued to put myself at the bottom of the list. I found myself truly and honestly expressing my disdain for my marriage and my husband and it was so uncomfortable I literally began lying about how I felt about him.

Wow. Yes I am sad for her. I was strong when I met him and I am not blaming him for my demise it was just the perfect combination for me to live in a total lie and to turn my back on myself.

I told him the other day that things were moving to fast. That I needed a second to catch up to breathe. Bullshit! I need to wake up, I need to put me first. I am still lost and yes all those years of self loathing has taken a toll. However only I can change that.

Clarity

Clarity god how I need it.

DB is just not letting up on his games. I feel like I am going to just lose my mind.

Seriously, how long is this going to last we have been seperated for almost 7 months and he is still so awful. He is using the kids to mess with me. He says he is pulling my oldest out of the private school. He goes to the private school cause we are in a terrible district. OMG he is in fucking kindergarten are you kidding me.

You know what - I get it, my focus is supposed to be on me but what I am supposed to do with all this. How do I fight this sick, sick, self serving, cruel man who uses my children as pawns.

It just doesn't end, he never quits.

The thought of my baby switching schools in the middle of this ugly divorce just makes me sick. Especially when it is all thrown at me as a threat. If I don't give up more of my time with them then he will take them out of school.

I am calling my lawyer tomorrow but I seriously don't know how I can keep doing this. I just can't live like this.

I am so grateful for my children but I totally regret the day I ever laid eyes on this monster.

I feel so bad for my kids they are so confused. I am so scared of them getting damaged by this, by him.

My oldest drew a family picture, it was of me and him and his baby brother. They told me that we should move to California where my family is and that it is alright if they don't see their dad.

They are babies and they know, they know who he is.

I am so sad and I am so scared of what he will do next.

I am just going to pray and cry and pray and cry. Okay seriously I am begging now for some answers, some hope, something to hold on to.

Waking Up

I decided yesterday after a long day at work that I would not pick up an extra shift. I have been working so many extra days just to try to pay all the bills since DB is not contributing.

I couldn't do it today. The thought of going in there made me sick. Not because I don't like my job as I love it. It was simply because I needed a day for me.

The boys are with DB.

I slept until a bit after 9am. I had amazing dreams. My first awareness this morning was this overwhelming feeling of hope and gratitude.

The weather here is amazing and will continue the whole weekend. I decided yesterday that I would not work today and that I would spend the entire day on the couch even though I love the outdoors and would normally do anything I could to be outside. I have been so tired from all the work and of course the long drawn out death of my favorite patient.

However, I decided before my feet even hit the floor this morning that I would go to the lake for a long walk.

I made coffee and prayed a bit. I asked for guidance regarding my divorce and the time DB spends with the children. I let go.

I sobbed this morning not because I am sad but because I am feeling hope and excitement. I am letting go and it is giving me so much freedom. I feel this huge amount of faith in a higher power that I have not allowed in my life for years. I actually prayed daily this week and I can honestly say I haven't done that in years. I am humble and I feel the universe in my life. I feel this strange dichotomy between the reality of the last six months and this abundance of faith, hope and truth. I do feel the hurt and I still feel wounded however it just is not defining me at this moment.

No, I would not wish this experience on anyone. I need all the tools I can get my hands on to deal with DB. I am sure anyone who is involved with an SA says or feels like if it were just the sex it would be so much easier. The sex is nothing compared to the craziness. However it is my turn now and I truly believe that the more my focus is on me and my growth the more tools I will have available. He will not go away, we have children together and while that thought in the past practically made me suicidal or homicidal I now know that I am growing and that I am doing this. This is not a life sentence attached to him.

This experience is making me a better person and I am grateful.

Feeling Lighter

Last night the boys and I went shopping and I was delighted to find Christmas stuff out already. I totally had a touch of sadness thinking of putting the tree up and going through all the decorations and not talking about the memories with my husband like we usually do. And then I felt excitement and freedom.

The boys and I picked out a few things and I just had hope.

I feel like my faith is strengthening and I am feeling lighter.

Of course DB has a radar for these things so as soon as I got home the texts began and all his nonsense started.

For a second I felt sorry for myself and then I decided to live in the moment, to be true to myself and to let go.

It was total nonsense and it wasn't worth it. He texted all day again and I just ignored him. I spoke to the boys tonight and then got off the phone with him without being rude.

If I want freedom I have to make it happen now. He is not going to change. I am. My expectations are changing and I will learn to adapt and be flexible to whatever he throws at me. As he no longer has power over me. And when it feels like this situation is suffocating me I will look at me.

I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my babies.

Needed a Laugh Today

This is just wrong. :)

Honor

I had the honor of taking care of an incredibly kind and gentle man for the last nine months.

He has lived in a bed for the last year and 13 days. His breaths were supported through a machine that would help his lungs inflate and even breathe for him when he couldn't.

His nutrition came from a tube in his stomach.

He had not walked for a year and 13 days.

He left his room with nurses only a few times in that year and 13 days.

His wife was unable to visit as she was living in a long term care facility.

His family rarely came.

They were both in their 50's.

He could not talk.

He could not write as his hands were contracting from lack of use.

He rarely had the energy to do his exercises.

I learned how to be a nurse with him.

I took care of him often.

He had this amazing smile and his adorable laugh made the world go round.

In the year and 13 days he never complained.

He never snapped at us.

He rarely asked for much.

He went through a new team of eager young doctors and students every month.

He allowed new nurses to learn skills on him.

He once and only once told me he wanted to eat.

He held on.

He did not want to die.

He fought and battled.

A battle all of us knew he would never win.

We fought for him.

We fought the doctors, the system even other nurses for him.

We rallied around him and we were his voice.

We loved him.

Last week he decided he was done. He no longer wanted to fight.

Today I had the honor of touching that beautiful face of his and watching him take his last breath.

The honor to see his family all together.

To know that he did not die alone.

To know that I got to thank him for all that he did for me.

I am so honored to be a part of his life and death.

Truth

Today I live in truth. I no longer need to concentrate on the past and the lies that I lived. Today I live in truth.

Today I see obstacles for what they are - just obstacles. They may be temporary, there may be a solution, they maybe permanent with no solution however they are just obstacles. They are not personal attacks on me, they are not the sum of me.

Today I live in truth.

Today I see myself with eyes wide open. I see my potential good and not so good. But mostly I see a woman that is capable and strong that is living in truth. Finding her way and falling in love with life and herself again.

Today I live in truth.

I am so grateful.