I have much fear right now. DB is on his way in his new life. Settling down in his GF house, selling his vehicle to buy an even larger one to accommodate all the children. It would not shock me to learn that they have a baby on the way.
He is already picking her over the boys. He lied about an event that he was supposed to go to for my oldest school, he then forgot he lied so I knew he never had intentions on going. Apparently he needed to get her house ready for a party while my son had to share someone else special friend as he had no one there.
He is not working still.
I am completely alone in this state. My family is thousands of miles away. My mom is not healthy and it is all just falling apart there. Seriously their lives are about as complicated as mine.
I am terrified right now. I just don't think I can do this anymore. It is so awful to have to rely on him for anything and now he is becoming so unreliable. Truly the only thing he does is watch the kids when I am at work in the evenings. Other than that he is just holding up progress.
I am just terrified. I have never felt so alone and it is all just getting to me. All the hours I am working, juggling these fucking bills I just feel like it is all just going to explode any minute.
But here is the deal: I am fucking strong and I know that now. I can handle this and I will. I have faith today and when I don't I know how to get some. When I can't seem to take another step I see my babies or they say something amazing and somehow I remember that this life is full of unknowns, of beauty. And when I truly cannot find or don't want to find gratitude I realize that I am feeling, that I am walking through this motherfucker of a time in my life feeling it, growing, finding truth and finding me. It is slow and steady and I mostly do not like it but I know it has served a purpose and will lead me to places I couldn't have gone otherwise.
And if all that fails I still celebrate the peace in this house with that man gone. I celebrate the day I found out that I was living a lie and the same day choosing truth, choosing me.
We are the Gatherers.....
9 months ago
you are A-MAZING. and every new day, no matter how hard...no matter how painful...not matter the setback, you remind yourself of that. you remember to breathe and take joy in fighting for YOU. because YOU are strong and vibrant and beautiful and WORTH it.
ReplyDeleteBack at you lady. :) Thanks for visiting me. I love your blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry its so hard right now. I admire your tenacity. I believe it will get better. And like you, I also celebrate the truth, no matter how much it hurts!
ReplyDeleteOh man, I didn't realize you'd hit this much difficulty. I can't help but think (because I've heard this from others like us) that maybe it's better to not count on him at all?
ReplyDeleteIn any case, you're definitely feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, and I'm sorry for that. I also know that you can do this. I don't think that we're given something this shitty to crumble under... I think we're given this bitch slap to make something more out of our lives. I know you can- and I think this pain is momentary. It won't always feel this bad.
I'm sending love your way!