Today was my youngest son's christmas play and party at preschool. It was just adorable.
It was just so hard to be there though, so hard to see the parents, the husbands, the dads. So hard to wonder why. I was not in a good place. It was one of those days where I internalized DB's addiction and the mess of my life. A day where I wondered if I was better, smarter, prettier, less dark and complicated, came from a even almost functional family if just maybe it would not have turned out this way.
A day where I am totally convinced that my focus in life need never be on a relationship as I am clearly no good at them.
I was so sad.
This week has been tough which did not help.
My oldest had a play at school and I could not go as I had to work. DB took GF and her million children.
The day after my youngest son's teacher brought up my son's behavior and stated that it made so much more sense now that she saw DB with his GF's kids. Because GF has a child younger than my baby and DB seems to have really bonded with her baby it makes more sense that my son is needing more attention and feeling so insecure.
You know this just kills me. The hurt he causes my children is reprehensible. People are nice, they try to paint a pretty picture but here is the truth. What he is doing to my children is altering who they are, it is impacting their self esteem and it is changing their course in life. This is having a negative impact on two innocent children. His children.
I am just sad, exhausted and sad.
We are the Gatherers.....
9 months ago
it's funny h0w things never stay the same. I used to think they did but now I know there's light...always light, and changes, and the good. Stay strong. Sarah
ReplyDeletei wish i could wrap you up in the biggest, most strongest hug and assure you that 'this too shall pass.' but i remember all too well, those hollow days and the anguish that sometimes seems like it will swallow you whole. so i want to send hugs from my heart to yours and remind you to ALLOW yourself these moments to be exhausted and sad. and breathe. reclaiming YOU and your joy, is an uphill process. but you're making it, one step at a time. and despite the hurt that you and your beautifully innocent children are having to wade thru right now, your love... your light... is still there, never fading. consistent. unconditional. i know you don't see it now, but on those darkest days, your light shines the brightest. because you're still moving and being and living. and that strength is making a difference for your family. its proving your worth,and your purpose. its a testimony to your perseverance for your kids. and they will SEE that, and in turn see YOU, as they grow up. and in the meantime, tho we're faceless friends, a hodgepodge quilt,knitted together by circumstance, trust that we are right here with you on this journey, every one of us cheering you on. thru good days and bad. much love, my friend. and a beautiful christmas.
ReplyDeleteI just love you guys.
ReplyDelete