Again

Okay I truly hate that my posts are still about DB as I think it is unhealthy and reminds me that too much focus and energy goes to him. However so much has happened that I have to get it out of my head.

So a few weeks ago DB called to say he had been arrested for domestic violence. So he bailed himself out, called his friends and somehow got into a new place that night. For the next few days he was a mess, calling and crying, apologizing for all that he did to me and the boys. Just constant drama. Well of course I was worried about the boys and how this would affect them. Apparently they had grown to hate her so they were excited to have their dad back. Which is whole other issue to me as they will go through it again with him and women.

He has eluded to wanting to get back together which has been annoying, insulting, confusing, gratifying and many other things. I have so many emotions around it and have been so uncomfortable I can't even tell you.

As the drama seemed to slow down after our last court date I finally began the grieving process of my marriage ending. It was good, painful, but needed. I am late in this process as having to fight for my kids and defend myself constantly took all my energy. I was so blinded by my hate and pain that I couldn't even remember a time when I loved him. So finally I began to grieve. Well I haven't even gotten through that yet and here it comes, his games, his desire for good old reliable me to come fix it.

I have felt so much including a small part of me entertaining trying to work it out. Of course this thought repulsed me and made my self loathing rage. I was so confused, how I could even for a second consider that. And finally it occurred to me I am a mother, a mother that stayed in a marriage that was unhappy for the kids, a mother that sacrifices everything (too much) for her kids. This is what many mothers do. I made a choice four years ago that I would stay in that marriage for my kids. I am now making a choice that I will stay as far away from that man as possible for me and for my kids. I will continue to grieve, probably continue to adjust to letting go and continue to choose me.

Courage.