Pink Dress with Polka Dots

So much has changed however nothing has changed.

I am still on this ridiculous ride and I still hate it. I am however better at it. Not great, but better.

The boys and I have moved to a wonderful new place that we love.

My trial is in 11 days.

The boys are amazing and kind and growing.

My little one tells me daily that he is going to buy me a pink dress with polka dots that I can twirl around in.

DB is going to try to get full custody.

DB still doesn't pay child support nor does he pay his half of our debt.

I have moments of being stuck in the middle of the divorce and not letting go.

I have moments of paralyzing fear.

I have moments of faith and joy.

I have moments where I can actually feel that pink polka dot dress twirling around me.

TRIGGER ALERT!

I met someone. He is nice and has his own issues. I will say that before I met DB and even at the beginning of our relationship sex was something that I loved. I had some issues but I was working out much of it.

Then DB and his SA began to rule my life. I hated sex, I hated my sexuality. I lost all of my self confidence and truly internalized his SA. I doubted myself, I blamed myself. All of which are my problem not DB's.

So I met this man, we will call him W.

Going into it there was a lot of honesty and time taken to weigh out everything.

After searching my heart and my... well whatever I decided I was going to have a friends with benefits relationship with W.

Okay it lasted a couple months and just recently ended however the lessons have not.

So let me begin...

I am not DB nor do I have his issues, nor did I cause those issues.

I still love sex and I trusted my intuition in this situation and I stayed true to myself.

I did get caught up and I did begin to use him as a diversion hence the ending.

I let a man take care of me, see me, know me and it was amazing.

I was vulnerable. And I got sidetracked a bit and I got hurt a bit and I even cried.

I am okay and I did not hide any of this from him or myself.

W and I are fine. Friends still, with a more intimate understanding of each other. I miss him however it does not feel right so I refrain as does he.

Truly a freeing experience. I am not sure that I need to do it again and I am so not ready to date. I am scared to be alone and I still feel broken when it comes to relationships. I just have never been in a relationship that brings out the best in me. They usually turn me into someone I can't stand. Yes I realize codependency may be at play.

I have so much work to do and I am ready to do it. I have had my oldest in therapy for months now however I finally have an appointment set up for myself.

I am terrified of this court date and can only imagine what DB is going to do.

He hasn't made it more than 2 days in the last 10 without really playing games.

I think he may be scared as well.

I pray for him. I visualize god in his life helping him feel whole. I pray for him.

And then I log on to look at my bank account and before I even know what has happened I have the voodoo doll held tightly in my hand and it has a strong resemblance to DB even with all those pins sticking out of it. :)

Truly I am angry however I am praying and working so hard on forgiveness. It is a process for me.

I have missed you all and I am so glad I am reconnected so I can catch up.

My Friends

My laptop died so I have been MIA. I have an archaic desktop in the basement which means if I am on it then my kiddos are also close by. Not a therapeutic environment for blogging.

So much of the same has transpired since I last checked in. Blah Blah Blah. I could go on and on with DB's transgressions and cruelty but you all know without me even going into it.

My divorce is going to trial in June. Doesn't look like we can come to any type of agreement on so many levels so that is that.

My children are suffering and no longer want to be around their dad.

I am looking for a M-F day job so they will not have to be with DB 3 evenings a week.

I found a therapist for the boys and I am excited about that. Still looking for me.

I am finding my way slowly through all of this.

DB's last tyred left me incredibly sad and even more confused as to how and why someone would treat a woman they once loved and the mother of their children the way he does me however I cannot spend time there. It is pointless, I will most likely never understand him or what happened to him.

I am still just kind of hanging out having to put up with some of his insanity because of the kids and learning how to cut off the rest.

I feel wounded and vulnerable and I know I am exactly where I need to be. I have begun finding some acceptance in the day to day stuff realizing that this is not something I get to race through. Not something to be endured either. I have had many lessons and will continue to learn and find my way. This is not ending any time soon so I better just dig in and learn. I am still reeling and feel like my whole life continues to have aftershocks often. I am no longer ashamed at how hard this is and how fucking impacted I am. I do not love DB nor do I want him back and I knew the second I really found out that I was done. However waking up to find that it is all a lie and then to be reminded that the man you married, loved, had children with is gone and may have never existed in the first place is just horrifying.

He is truly without a soul, his cruelty, vindictiveness, his lack of morals, his disregard for the boys makes me question everything. Everything.

Yep, I so need therapy. :)

I really am okay though, I just know that I get a bit deeper with each lesson and I am working hard on me. Working hard on being the best me I can be.

I have missed you all and can't wait to get a second to catch up on things.

Thank God That is Over

So, Christmas was full of joy. It ended with DB driving at full speed into my yard with his GF and her 3 kids in his truck. Well it didn't really end there, insults flew and truly I thought he was going to hit me. I must admit I hoped he would as it would have at least been amusing in a very sick way to watch him get hauled off to jail.

Prior to this incredibly trashy episode he called and attempted to insert his drama into my day with my kids. I did not allow this and due to his annoying time sucking bullshit I also did not allow him to have the boys for the 5 hours we agreed on. I took my precious time back from him and stated he could come get them one hour later than previously planned. He did not like it hence the acting out on my lawn.

We have a court date soon. The tension is getting to us both I am sure.

For my side of all this I am just a mess. I go so far to the right then the left. So fast I don't even catch a glimpse of the middle. I am either blaming him totally or blaming myself for everything. I see now how much damage I did to myself living the way I did with him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I was before I met him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I am now as a result of this marriage and the lies and it is killing me. Having to parent with this man that is void of reason, consideration, morals and love is killing me. But more than all of that not taking appropriate and healthy responsibility for my life is killing me.

My children are acting out and totally suffering and I am pissed. I am pissed at me, at him and at the fucking world.

I still don't have a dime and I am barely paying the bills. He is still unemployed and not giving me a dime. His insurance is now gone and mine sucks. HOWEVER, I am finding a therapist for me and for my boys no matter what. I can no longer hope for the best. This situation is only going to get better if I get help for me and help for them. Every second of this is robbing me, is breaking me down even further and I will no longer allow it.

I am not a victim and I will prove it to myself.

I know I sound like I am a complete mess and I am. That is okay. For whatever reason I am here and I am living this life and I will find my way.

Can I just say with great reservation Happy New Year. :)

Sad Day/Hard Week

Today was my youngest son's christmas play and party at preschool. It was just adorable.

It was just so hard to be there though, so hard to see the parents, the husbands, the dads. So hard to wonder why. I was not in a good place. It was one of those days where I internalized DB's addiction and the mess of my life. A day where I wondered if I was better, smarter, prettier, less dark and complicated, came from a even almost functional family if just maybe it would not have turned out this way.

A day where I am totally convinced that my focus in life need never be on a relationship as I am clearly no good at them.

I was so sad.

This week has been tough which did not help.

My oldest had a play at school and I could not go as I had to work. DB took GF and her million children.

The day after my youngest son's teacher brought up my son's behavior and stated that it made so much more sense now that she saw DB with his GF's kids. Because GF has a child younger than my baby and DB seems to have really bonded with her baby it makes more sense that my son is needing more attention and feeling so insecure.

You know this just kills me. The hurt he causes my children is reprehensible. People are nice, they try to paint a pretty picture but here is the truth. What he is doing to my children is altering who they are, it is impacting their self esteem and it is changing their course in life. This is having a negative impact on two innocent children. His children.

I am just sad, exhausted and sad.

My Divorce

So DB wants to meet with me to go over our divorce and agree on everything because he needs to be divorced now.

I told him no. I explained that I did not want to fight but based on his behavior and my need to protect myself that I need my lawyer present.

He was very angry and threatened things. He then said it had been since summer and again he needed this done now.

I explained maybe his time would have been better spent trying to partner with me instead of isolating me.

I said I would no longer discuss this and that my lawyer has suggested we don't meet.

He is very angry which is fine as it is not my problem. I do have this really strong feeling that something is up. I mean it is a strong feeling. I don't know if he is up to something or if maybe something has happened but I know something is up.

I said it before and I will say again, it would not surprise me if GF is pregnant.

Can I just say I wish his energy was spent on finding a job instead of this.

Decisions

I filled out paperwork for my lawyer that has been on my table for a couple of months now.

I am just at a loss regarding employment as working 3-4 12 hour shifts is really hard with my boys.

I am also still having problems with DB as he is immature and makes poor decisions when it comes to the boys.

I could try to find a M-F job that would allow me more time with the boys. I am interested in mental health and that would be an option as there is a facility close by with those hours.

The hospital I am at now has an OR position open.

But here is my hangup I love what I am doing, I love the hospital, our patient population, management, my coworkers and what I was beginning to dislike has been taken care of. However it is robbing me. I work hard and I am not taking care of myself. The work one day then have the boys then work again then have them again is not working for any of us. I have considered grouping my days together but that gives them far too much time with DB.

I just go round and round and mind f it all to death.

So here is what I have been doing lately with it. Going to god, giving it to god and really trying to listen, then going again, giving it again and listening harder. I haven't allowed god in my life for so long that this is akward so I am aware the answer may be right in front of me yet I still don't know what to do. I go again to god and say man I just suck at not running the show can you help me out here? Be clear, be loud, can you be in my face god? I rest.

I am not really great at this stuff and I am finding it so hard to bounce back, the pain, the stress all of it is getting to me. I am so sick of change yet I know more is coming and I know it is needed. I just wish I could let go, I just wish I could let up on myself. This sucks and I don't like it however I will not give up. :)

Dreams

I had odd dreams last night. I can't remember them as vividly as I did this morning however I do remember one.

Dream: DB had an affair and was leaving me to be with her. I was much like I am now relieved to be done, grateful that god did for me what I did not have the courage to do for myself. And then time fast forwards and I am looking through his phone and at that moment I knew he had changed.

We go for a long walk with the whole family including his family and I tell him I want to get through this together. I want to look back and know that we went through horribly tough times but we didn't quit and we made it. We hugged and kissed and it felt like we were getting married all over again. It was truly a celebration and we were excited. I knew in the dream it was the right thing to be doing.

So much of this dream is just odd. First of all the man that was DB was not him, he did not feel like him, he looked like him only softer, I could feel his spirit, his character and it was not him. Secondly, I cannot stand his family. Truly his mother is so void of any redeeming quality it is repulsive. He is so her child.

Then there is the feelings I had when I woke. At first I was startled and nervous. I then realized I was alone and my boys were with DB at his GF house. So I was relieved and okay. Then I had this hope, this peace, this joy. I didn't spend much time thinking about it as I had a busy day ahead of me. I drank coffee and made a list of goals and dreams. I then got busy online working on classes for work.

Tonight I got all the holiday decorations out and put up the tree so I could surprise the boys tomorrow. I was concerned I would feel sad however I did not. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding old step work that DB had done when he was a member of a 12 step group. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with finding confirmation again of who I know DB really is. My lack of sadness had nothing to do with reading admission after admission regarding his SA. My lack of sadness also had nothing to do with finding out that the GF is not someone he met in church like he told me but is in fact someone he has had a history with. I wasn't totally sure where my lack of sadness was coming from and I was not to motivated to dive into a whole over thinking session.

However I was just about to go to bed and I wondered if I would have odd dreams again. And then it hit me that my lack of sadness, my joy, my peace came from knowing that I truly tried my best with DB in fact I worked my ass off to save our marriage. Had DB been that man in my dream the ending would have been much different. He is not and that is okay in fact it is good.