Just Breathe

It feels like change is happening at an unreasonable rate. I feel like I haven't even dealt with the initial change of DB moving out and us separating.

Now he is in love and moving in with his gf and her kids.

My children have spent two nights over there that I am aware of. Could be more as DB is not in the habit of truth telling.

I met her and she is nice. I feel sad for her, I feel like I have a bit of an idea of what her life may end up like. It makes me sad for her.

I could be wrong maybe it will be amazing, maybe he will find his way.

I hope for all of us that happens.

Just a week ago he was up to his old antics. Just a few days ago he was trying to convince me he has changed.

Interesting enough he does not have a good memory and stated that he hasn't fucked with me for weeks.

I of course reminded him of the timeline. I am not innocent in this and I know that.

He says he has been a monster, he says that this whole separation he has been saying how healthy he is and going on and on about how much he has grown and it is all a lie.

He says he has just only woke up.

He says he is sorry kind of. He has never been one for apologies.

Honestly all of this change and him being in love and my boys having a family with him and her and her children is just a bit much for me.

It is scary. I am terrified. I also realize that this move of his is somehow forcing me past the anger and back in the grief. Which is good for me. I no longer feel like it was all shit. I am able to look back on our time together and know that we were great at times. We laughed so much and he was my best friend for quite a few years. Not in the end, not in the last few years.

I don't want it back. I don't want him, I don't want to do the work I know we would have to do to make this work. Clearly I do not have a choice in that. However when I asked him to leave I knew that it was far more likely that he would embrace his addiction then me and our boys. I also was honest that I did not know if I loved him enough to want to work as hard as we would have to work.

I fell in love with him hard and I fell out of love with him just as hard.

I am still sad and I do miss some of our times together as a family. I look back and truly if we could go back before our second son was born and really work on it we maybe could have made it.

I also look back and see that I tried, that I reached for him but he was too far gone and he did not want to be reached.

I brought up my concerns, I asked him if he was happy. I suggested help. He did not want it and he always stated he was happy enough.

What is so so sad is that I was not happy and that was not a concern of mine. I want to say it was because I was in nursing school full time and a stay at home mom. I kept pushing it away. I could not think of it when my baby was battling health issues or this semester is so hard. I will deal with it later when I am done with school. Once I was done it was the new job. I just continued to put myself at the bottom of the list. I found myself truly and honestly expressing my disdain for my marriage and my husband and it was so uncomfortable I literally began lying about how I felt about him.

Wow. Yes I am sad for her. I was strong when I met him and I am not blaming him for my demise it was just the perfect combination for me to live in a total lie and to turn my back on myself.

I told him the other day that things were moving to fast. That I needed a second to catch up to breathe. Bullshit! I need to wake up, I need to put me first. I am still lost and yes all those years of self loathing has taken a toll. However only I can change that.