Thank God That is Over

So, Christmas was full of joy. It ended with DB driving at full speed into my yard with his GF and her 3 kids in his truck. Well it didn't really end there, insults flew and truly I thought he was going to hit me. I must admit I hoped he would as it would have at least been amusing in a very sick way to watch him get hauled off to jail.

Prior to this incredibly trashy episode he called and attempted to insert his drama into my day with my kids. I did not allow this and due to his annoying time sucking bullshit I also did not allow him to have the boys for the 5 hours we agreed on. I took my precious time back from him and stated he could come get them one hour later than previously planned. He did not like it hence the acting out on my lawn.

We have a court date soon. The tension is getting to us both I am sure.

For my side of all this I am just a mess. I go so far to the right then the left. So fast I don't even catch a glimpse of the middle. I am either blaming him totally or blaming myself for everything. I see now how much damage I did to myself living the way I did with him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I was before I met him and it is killing me. I see how damaged I am now as a result of this marriage and the lies and it is killing me. Having to parent with this man that is void of reason, consideration, morals and love is killing me. But more than all of that not taking appropriate and healthy responsibility for my life is killing me.

My children are acting out and totally suffering and I am pissed. I am pissed at me, at him and at the fucking world.

I still don't have a dime and I am barely paying the bills. He is still unemployed and not giving me a dime. His insurance is now gone and mine sucks. HOWEVER, I am finding a therapist for me and for my boys no matter what. I can no longer hope for the best. This situation is only going to get better if I get help for me and help for them. Every second of this is robbing me, is breaking me down even further and I will no longer allow it.

I am not a victim and I will prove it to myself.

I know I sound like I am a complete mess and I am. That is okay. For whatever reason I am here and I am living this life and I will find my way.

Can I just say with great reservation Happy New Year. :)