I feel like I am still in the fog. This life of mine has moved so quickly and has been such a shock I just still feel unclear.
Living and sharing life and children with an SA is incredibly confusing. Divorcing and sharing children with an SA is still confusing.
I choose for so many years to live this lie that I still find almost 6 months out that truth escapes me. My truth. I am getting there however it is slow.
I am beginning to see how responsible I feel for it all. In my attempt to let go of him and his shit I see how having such a tight rein on everything led to such failure for me. I am still under that delusion that I actually could have controlled him or the outcome of my marriage. That I actually control anything or that I would want to control anything right now is just ridiculous.
I feel like such a failure in this all. I am so brokenhearted for myself, for my children. I feel like it was all me. I keep hoping that he wakes up, he finally accepts responsibility and owns what he has done. Not because I want him back, not because I want an apology, not to mend any thing in any way. But to let me off the hook. For him to tell me it wasn't my fault, for him to reassure me of who I am. To know that it was him, that he is the broken one. For him to validate all those years of holding on to the lie, to validate that yes there was a need to control him and all that energy I expended was not for nothing. For him to save me from this life I have to lead now where I can't escape truth, where I can't control, where every maladaptive coping mechanism has been ripped from me and here I am totally vulnerable.
Yes, I want him to fall on his knees in front of me and beg me to know that it was him. Humiliated and remorseful.
This story ends with only one of us on our knees and it is not him.
I am catching glimpses of the fog lifting. It is beautiful and I am grateful.
We are the Gatherers.....
9 months ago
I want you to know that this post really helped me. I am going through a divorce myself. While there wasn't any sex addiction, my wife suffers from eating disorders and mental health issues that made our lives unmanageable. I am also struggling to find my way out of "the fog" of passive-aggressive insanity that I have lived these many years.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right: I want her to take responsibility, to accept what she has done, and really see that there was nothing I could do to "fix" her, no matter how hard I tried, that for me to step back and let her take responsibility for her own life and happiness was the most kind and loving thing that I could do for her. "Not because I want [her] back, not because I want an apology, not to mend any thing in any way. But to let me off the hook."
You said it so perfectly. Thank you.
We don't need to be "let off the hook", do we? We were never on the hook, after all. If these situations send us to our knees, then we are the lucky ones, the blessed ones.
Again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I am so glad you shared that. And yes I agree I was never on the hook. It is taken me a long while to find my way but I am finally finding it.
ReplyDeleteIt has been so incredibly helpful for me and theraputic to find all of theses people out here walking the same blessed path.
Take care and please come back again. :)